BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 2 1990

responsible parties

director

Claudio Fragrasso(Zombie Flesh Eaters 3)

writer

Claudio Fragrasso(Cop Game)

actors

Michael Stephenson (Best Worst Movie Ever)

This weeks movie needs no introduction. This is yet another scene from the famous Troll 2. Besides these clips being hilarious they might also be helpful in a drinking game. Take a shot everytime the young boy says this line;

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Bring It On All Or Nothing 2006

responsible parties

director

Steve  Rash (American Pie Presents Band Camp)

writer

Alyson Fouse -nada

actors

Hayden Panettiere (Scream 4)

Solange Knowles (Johnson Family Vacation)

 Some Most sequels should never have been made. The very first Bring It On(2000)  is a personal favorite of mine. Its extremely funny sexy and sassy.  The actual cheerleading routines were amazing to watch and the stunts were spot on. Cheer leading is a sport goddamnit! Kirsten Dunst and Gabriel Union shine up like freshly pressed uniforms in the smartly made movie. It's the first and only Bring it On to make it to theaters sadly for very obvious reasons. This weeks movie clip is from one of the four disconnected sequels spawned from the 2000 classic. Hayden and Solange are competent actors but the script and storyline are worse than ever. The most disturbing thing in the movie is the dancing and cheer leading itself. This scene personifies the stereotype that "white people have no rhythm".  Watching Hayden Penitierre try to KRUMP DANCE makes me very uncomfortable. PS "getting mad" isn't the only thing that enables someone to be able to krump dance. You need actual skill. *(youtube video titled wrong sorry folks)* 

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

The WickerMan 2006

responsible parties

director

Neil Labute (Lakeview Terrace)

writer

Neil Labute (Possession) 

actors

Nicholas Cage (Face Off)

 Wickerman is arugably one of the worst movies we've seen in a decade and deffinitely the worst remake I have seen to date. Nicholas Cage is a hit or miss actor that will forever live in shame for this movie. THE Nicholas Cage is a GOD AMONG MEN when it comes to  overacting and makes this movie one hilarious yet confusing ride. Here are the best moments



Abduction 2011

responsible parties

director

John Singleton (Boyz N Da Hood) 

writer

Shawn Christensen (no credits)

actors

Sigourney Weaver (Alien)
Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga)

Maria Bello (Coyote Ugly)

Abduction is definitely a poser if I ever seen one. Abduction struts around with a chip on its' shoulder as if it's as thrilling and swift as Bourne Identity. It's over the top and in your face pretending to be as fun as Mission Impossible. Sadly Abductions' young hero fails embarrassingly at trying to be as charming as Shia Lebeouf in his movies like Disturbia and Eagle Eye. In fact Abduction plays out like a movie that was written with Shia Lebeouf in mind for the lead role. But why would he want this when the script plays out like a montage of all the previously mentioned movies rolled into one and sprayed into submission with axe body spray. That's why he's not the star. Instead we get that Twilight hunk. * cue Teenage girls swoon* 

Nathan (Lautner)  introduces himself to us by riding on the hood of his friends pickup with one hand going 70 mph with his cool shades on. No helmet or hesitation. He doesn't fear death. He's an adrenaline junkie. He. Is. Bad. Ass. To give some background on Nathan he lives in a wonderful neighborhood, in a beautiful home, in sunny California. He has a token black friend that makes alot of jokes and a white friend that doesn't speak much but well.... is there for the sake of him having a friend  that is white like him. His parents are hip, young and attractive. Him and his father like to beat the shit out of each other for fun. His father utters BS like "you wanna play with no rules you better be aware of what you let out the box." That's not even catchy. Despite Nathans comfy lifestyle he sees a therapist for an undisclosed reason. He tells his therapist (old ass Sigourney Weaver) that sometimes he feels like he doesn't fit in.  Like he doesn't belong.  Nathans about to get one helluva awakening!

He's linked up with Karen for a random sociology project. To my knowledge Sociology is really a college course but I digress. Karen and Nathan have a history, they were childhood friends. Adolescence and different cliques drove a wedge between them but now their reunited. *cue teen romance*

While researching, he finds his baby picture on a missing child's website. This is never explained. But it is a plot device to prompt Nathan into asking his gorgeous mother if he was adopted and she  says he was. His "parents" aren't really his parents. Their his "keepers", chosen by his real father to watch over him. Abandonment anyone?

The same night his keepers are killed by some secret agents right in front of him. Therapy may be ideal now. Him and Karen are on the run from these men dressed in black when his therapist shows up. She's one of his keepers too. In a high speed, car chase get away she gives them the address of a "safe place" they jump out of the moving vehicle.

I was impressed to see Abduction had everything on a Secret-Agent-movies checklist

• explosions
• agents dressed in black
• agents dressed in black running from room to room
• "foreign" villains
• CIA references
• words like ''operative''
• roundhouse kicks 

Weirdly enough no one in this movie has a droid or iPhone. Every single person with a cellular device had a flip phone. It's not a big deal but it's odd. The CIA were making it so anytime Nathan picked up a phone from ANYWHERE and he was connected to the CIA but they were using a phone that doesn't have Internet? This made the tiny detail of the movie uneven with the technology aspect of the film.

While on the run Nathan and Karen grow close. In a generously sized train suite they make out, full  on she even gets on his lap. It gets "steamy" until Karen suddenly stops and suggests they get lunch. After all this is a pg-13 movie. *Sorry tween girls*

I'm also sorry to report that Taylor still does not have much of an acting skill to speak of. His lines are uttered with out any conviction but always with a serious expression as if that makes him the tough rough neck he's supposed to be. I found myself laughing at a few of his facial expressions  as well. Sorry Taylor, but your acting ability has as much potential as road kill.

 I enjoyed the stupidity and arrogance of Abduction for the most part.  Sadly the last 30 minutes were almost unbearable. I finished it only for the sake of this blog. The movies resolution is stupid and anti climatic although it's at a packed baseball stadium. His elusive father returns the save his son and disappears just as quickly. Karen and Nathan are happy to be alive. His keeper/therapist volunteers be his new guardian. It's a sweet , cheesy ending. I would love to suggest to Taylor Lautner to further his eductation and pursue a different career. Perhaps modeling since he loves showing his tan skin and ripped abs. The Twilight Saga has only one more film left and I shudder to think what his career will turn into to once the Phenomanon is over. Hang it up Taylor, please hang it up *cue dial tone*

MOVIE RANKING



BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 2 1990

responsible parties

director

Claudio Fragrasso(Zombie Flesh Eaters 3)

writer

Claudio Fragrasso(Cop Game)

actors

Michael Stephenson (Best Worst Movie Ever)

I have a real treat for you guys this week! Troll 2 is quite possibly one of the worst movies in history. Its so bad I wish i could put the enitre movie on here for you all to view. This one is really a must see to believe. This movie is bad movie lovers dream. The script is stupid as hell. The actors, incompetent and I promise you, you will find this one of the most hilarious movies you've ever seen. Ironically their are tons of clips thats I had to choose from. After careful consideration I decided to go with the most classic scene of the film, which features one of the best WORST scenes in shitty movie history. This scene is what bad movies are made of.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark 2010

responsible parties

director

Troy Nixey (Latchkeys Lament)

writer

Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy)

actors

Katie Holmes (Mad Money)

Guy Pearce (The Road)

Bailee Madison (Just Go With It)

When I was a little girl I used to be afraid of the dark. Maybe not so much the dark but whatever could be lurking in it. I wasn’t afraid of a plain ol’ murderer or the average robber. Unfortunately I had a vivid imagination and had seen way too many scary movies. Their were almost endless possibilities of what could be dwelling where I couldn’t see. There could be ghosts of hacked up persons that used live to in my room or maybe a hockey mask wearing, machete wielding man. What about that clown with the sharp teeth that lives in the drain? Then their was the big one, monsters. Monsters, that in my mind, looked worse and more terrifying than reality would ever produce. Luckily the fear has subsided. Not because I’m a big kid now but because I have seen Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. I don’t think the makers of the film had any idea how ironic the name of this movie is. It’s basically making a mockery of the film. Maybe it’s a disclaimer. So at the end they can be like “hey we told you not to be afraid.”

Now not only am I not afraid of the dark I’m actually slightly amused with it. OUCH.

Come on we have seen this one so many times before but it never gets old, for screenwriters that is. Kid sees ghost and/or monster and parents don’t believe him or her, usually this all goes on in a new house. Don’t be Afraid of the Dark wastes no time marching right into the familiar routine. Young depressed Sally is sent to live with her father for reasons undisclosed. During her plane ride she draws pictures of black holes that have no relevance to the movie. Her hair is obviously dyed black to make the audience aware that she’s creepy or something. Sally is definitely not thrilled at all about this move to live with workaholic dad Alex and “younger” girlfriend Kim played by Katie Holmes. “younger” was in quotation marks because she doesn’t look younger than him at all but the movie insists Alex is practically dating a teenager. Young Sally is not a teen yet, in fact she’s more of a tween but she’s already got that teenage I hate the world thing down pat. The situation would be awkward for any youngin’; living with an estranged papa and his almost adolescent girlfriend. To top things off they all just moved into a very old , very big mansion that they are renovating. Alex is a architect with his heart set on being on the cover of Architectural Digest and Kim is an interior designer. Together they plan on sprucing the old place up a bit. As suspected the house has a bit of History to it. Emerson Blackwood , a famous painter that disappeared along with his young son lived there some decades or maybe centuries ago, (timeline never given). We do know what happened to him. He was pulled down a small furnace in the first act, while offering teeth to the voices down the shaft. Yes, his teeth.

Thank god for curious little Sally for discovering a secret door one day while she explores the huge gardening area. Although the gardener who is familiar with the houses history tries to tell Sally's parents to leave it alone saying how dangerous the area is for children , they find out the door leads to the basement in their house that no one had known existed. OMG they were like SUPER excited.

The basement has no lights. Its big and empty except for the small furnace in the corner that seems to draw Sallys attention.

When she hears voices she elated, someone to talk to. They beckon her with lines like.

“Sally it’s so nice down here come and play”

“Set us free so we can be friends.”

Sally unlocks the furnace setting free an evil that’s been trapped for……..years? A decade? Who knows …..but its definitely been a while.

The monsters waste no time showing their true colors to the poor stupid girl. While Kim and Alex roam the city for paint supplies and window coverings Sally is left in the care of the house maid, Mrs. Underhill. She's a dear old maid that makes KILLER apple pie. YUM!

The movie unravels at a rapid speed when we meet the monsters. There are about a dozen or so of them. They live and scurry about in the dark and  the shadows probably because if you really seen what they looked like their wouldn’t be much to be afraid of. They like playing hide and seek, running under her covers, using her teddy bear to scare her and they even play tricks on the girl. Is this a scary movie or a rip off Dennis the Menace? Sally is even framed by the monsters when they shred up one of Kim's shirts. This is so stupid. But not anymore stupid than the monsters themselves. They're tiny little critters the size of Barbie dolls that look like teeny tiny hunch  old back men. They aren’t harmful on their own so they have to grab knives and weapons to threaten people with and for some reason they eat teeth. Really? Teeth? How can they even remove the teeth from her mouth?

Lets go straight to the climax of the film. The monsters are revealed to the parents, yet they stay in the house for a few more hours to let Sally rest. When they finally decide to leave the Teeth hit the fan. Of course Kim and Alex succumb to the beasts. They both get knocked unconscious in different rooms but both come to in time to save Sally. Sadly the stunning Katie Holmes is dragged down the furnace.

The concept for this movie shoulda been thrown down the damn furnace. The movie ended with me feeling happy that I now had nothing to be afraid of at night, but sad that movies like these keep getting made for the sake of being made. The makers of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark hoped they were breaking new ground by introducing tiny monsters that want to eat your teeth but they personified why the horror genre fails to deliver a decent scare, the elements of surprise and fear and originality. Sadly the only good thing about this movie was sweet Mrs. Underhill and her delicious pie.

MOVIE RANKING

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

The Ginger Dead Man 2005

responsible parties

director

Charles Band (Puppet Master)

writer

William Buther (Madhouse)

actors

Gary Busey (Under Siege)

We've seen it before, the soul of a serial killer enters an inanimate object and terrorizes people . This worked out fine in movies like Childs Play, back when Chucky was actually scary. This movie took the concept and its creativity a bit too far.......  I mean a killer COOKIE?!?! AND the Cookie is voiced by Gary Busey? Enough said.



BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Snakes on a Plane 2006

responsible parties

director

David R. Ellis (Final Destination)

writer

John Heffernan (nada)

actors

Samuel Jackson (Pulp Fiction)

Snakes on a plane. The title tells you everything you need to know. Their is a plane and their are snakes on it. The end. The classic line from the movie with Samuel Jackson will live on in cinematic history FOREVER. Watching it on television is dare I say even more epic. Please enjoy the TV edited version of THE infamous line :p



The Unborn 2009

responsible parties

director

David S. Goyer (The Invisible)

writer

David S. Goyer (Jumper)

actors

Odette Yustman(Cloverfield)

Gary Oldman (Air Force One)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

"Jumby wants to be born now" um ok....... Imagine the kid pictured above telling this to Casey, who resembles Megan Fox although not nearly as sexy, and then imagine the weirdo kid hitting her. It's pretty funny, and dumb. It is also the beginning of a very bizarre and cliche wanna be thriller that's all over the place and yet still formulatic. Unfortunately the movie had way too many ideas that should have been "unborn".

 At least we get some eye candy along with Casey is her best friend Romy, played by Megan Good.
Apparently Meagan Good has been trying to expand her career because usually she plays the pretty gf in all her flicks so she chose to go the horror route. She's having bad luck, being cast in other shitty movies like this  one such as One Missed Call and Saw 4. Yikes!
Soon after Casey is attacked by that ugly kid Romy notices that her right eye looks weird all of a sudden.  To the audience its clear that all she has to do is take out the obvious contact but Casey goes to the optometrist and discovers she has a rare eye condition that is usually common in twins. After asking her father he reveals that she was a twin but her other half died early in uterine.... He also reveals that her mother and him nicknamed him "Jumby". What an atrocious name. Gross. Casey's father is never heard  from again for the rest of the movie. Shocker. Her mother committed suicide many years ago but it is never revealed why. Lame.
As the mystery that no one cares about unfolds Casey struts around in her white cotton panties and lays in bed with  her boyfriend. More weird shit happens. Casey starts seeing things. She suddenly decides to go see her grandmother, who is currently living in a rest home. Grandmother tells her a ghost has been haunting their family for decades that even dates back to the Holocaust. The ghost supposedly can only enter the world through a twins body, although several non twins are possessed by said ghost throughout the movie...... Caseys' grandma was a twin herself but she killed her other half when he became possesed........ Apparently the ghost has been hovering and waiting ever since. For some reason Casey  enlists a Rabbi to perform some sort of Jewish exorcism.  I'm not sure why she needs an eroxrcism, the ghost isn't in her.....ok?.....Our Rabbi is played by Gary Oldman whose movie career has many hits and misses, here's another. To sum it all up Everyone around Casey dies. Her sexy friend, her boyfriend, the rabbi and the people he enlists to help. I always find that funny in a movie that the people that came to help the main character always die.
The ending leaves me puzzeled, but instead of wondering "OMG whats gonna happen next"? I wonder "OMG what just happened (in the past 90mins)?"
"Casey finds herself pregnant at the finale. She's having twins. Guess the ghost is now after her unborns...... Good riddance. If you're thinking about watching this flick, do what I should have done, abort that idea quickly.

MOVIE RANKING

Jennifers Body 2009

responsible parties

director

Karyn Kusama (Girl Fight)

writer

Diablo Cody (Juno)

actors

Megan Fox- (Transformers 1&2)

Amanda Seyfriend- (Big Love, Red Riding Hood)

 I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox who's sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays a sexy, feisty cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?! Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifer's Body left me completely unsatisfied, underwhelmed and totally annoyed!

Essentially Megan Fox plays herself. An undoubtedly sexy, selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didn't see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can guarantee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifer's character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike each other if they tried. Needy is a sarcastic nerd complete with these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first came out.  This chick is a band geek, literally. The chances of these two being friends in real life is very slim, they swim in two different social ponds. Needy is dressed in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needy character wasn't much more likable than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blond. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

I don't really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but  theirs only so much a regular person can take. What I barely tolerated in Juno became unbearable in Jen's Body.

The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whose front man is played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nail polish and guy liner his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needy's classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douche band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail. They chose Jennifer.

Of course Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eagerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar expectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting their soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the literal sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone that's eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitive and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed  not only Needy's admiration for Jennifer but her attraction, not that I blame her. I can't, in good conscience review the movie without mentioning their makeout scene. It was steaming hot girl on girl lips and tonuge action. Very sexy, but kinda out of nowhere. I'd compare it having a stranger hand you a thousand doallars in cash. Thrilling, exciting but after a while has you wondering "why?''. The scene like Megan Fox is a feast for the eyes. Sexy as hell, but not much else. I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-HELL YEA!

But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun!

Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everything it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun. It was not action. It just was..... And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter awkwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialogue ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialogue was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

MOVIE RANKING

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 1986

responsible parties

director

John Carl Buechner (Halloween 4)

writer

Ed Naha (Honey I Shrunk the Kids)

actors

Michael Moriarty ( Law & Order)

Shelley Hack (The Stepfather 1987)

I haven't seen this movie since I was 16yrs old. It's a classic 80's horror flick and I have alot respect for Horror movies made back then. They were inventive and original which is hard for me to say about of most movies in this generation. 50% of scary movies now are remakes from THIS ERA, usually bad ones at that. However, Alot of the 80s scary movies are pretty hilarious for my generation as well. Troll is definitely a gem in this sense. This is the first and last horror movie complete with a music number. I am so thankful for youtube so that I can share it with you all :)

Preachers Kid 2009

responsible parties

director

Stan foster(film debut)

writer

Stan Foster(film debut)

actors

Latoya Luckett (Destiny's Child)

Tank ( Now or Never (album)

Just when you thought it was safe to go to church again....To my horrified delight my boyfriend and I stumbled into this movie one night on BET. The preachers kids is Angie, played by Latoya Luckett.  Once a member of R&B group Destiny's Child, she left (or was fired) before they made it really big becoming the best selling female R&B group of all time. Talk about a missed opportunity. As a solo artist although she can sing she never did much in the industry.  This musical optimist plays opposite of Durell Babbs aka R&B singer and Grammy nominated Tank. Despite his nominations only hardcore rhythm and blues fan know him. The fact that one of the main actors is a has-been and other is a b-Lister isn't the reason why the movie sucks. Its sucks because the has-been and b-Lister can't act in this horribly written production. Please allow me to elaborate.

We meet Angie in Augusta, Georgia. She's a christian and a dedicated church member who loves performing in the choir. Not surprising since she's the daughter of the widower preacher she lives a very sheltered life.  In result, she is an 18yr old virgin who is shamelessly naive. Her whole life changes the night she meets Devlin(Tank).

He's handsome, older and charismatic. He even gets more points when Angie learns he works and performs in a traveling gospel play. (The play itself is a Madea play ripoff, complete with a man in a wig)

After spending the night with Devlin, he held her all night like a "perfect gentleman", he invites her to join the cast because he discovers she can sing. The next morning she's confronted by dad. After an argument follows Angie informs him that shes leaving right that minute to join up. She walks out with the clothes on her back. No luggage or anything.

On the road Angie finds that she can definitely get used to her freedom. She's made friends, falls for Devlin and enjoys her small roles in the play. Convinced that Devlin has a bonafide HALO over his head Angie has no problem losing her virginity to him. She's content and happy but things change faster than  you can say "amen"!

Devlin has a dark side to him. One seconds he's supporting and holding Angie and another he's telling her that her hair looks like shit, in front of her colleagues, although theirs nothing wrong with her perfectly well maintained mane. It's pretty laughable how hot and cold he is. Due to her inexperience and stupidity she remains inauspicious towards Devlin until one night when things take a turn for the worse, for Angie's relationship and the fate of this movie. One night she finds him smoking weed and disapproves.

"That stuffs for losers." she simply states. Devlin shockingly slaps the BA-JEESUS out of Angie and the words he spouts transform this movie from just a plain bad one into and unintentional comedy.

"GIRL I WENT PLATINUM BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT A DEMO WAS!"

What the hell? How is that relevant? What does have to do with you smoking weed? Judging by his response I think the writer was smoking a lil' somethin himself when he came up with this crap. Flabbergasted Angie tries to exit then Devlin pulls the sympathy card, next thing you know its Angie comforting him. Devlin gives us another classic line saying he's never hit a woman before and he's just upset that his second CD didn't do so well. I'm not making this up. Him pretending to cry was as funny as it was pathetic. This guy is due a few acting classes and the writer/director needs to do some soul searching.

As the movie continues I realize I'm watching the straight to DVD, wanna be remake of  What's Love Got To Do With It, only this version isn't compelling, gripping or dramatic. It's just as pathetic as Angie is. She's beat constantly and blatantly cheated on . Everyone in their cast is well aware of their circumstances but no one is  willing to help her for fear that they will step on Devlin's toes. No good Samaritan in this group everyone chooses to "turn the other cheek".

This movie is starting to feel like  a rip off of  a Tyler Perry film. YIKES!

It's hard to feel empathy for this girl because she refuses to leave him.  Its  also really hard for me to believe that this is the first person to seduce her because she fell for him so shamelessly. She possesses ignorance that you don't just wake up with.

The subject matter is a serious one. Domestic violence is no joke. But this movie brings nothing new or compelling . Instead of exposing the topic its exploits it for gain and doesn't do a good job in hiding it. The issue at hand is gone by so inappropriately that one might get the feeling that its making fun of it even because it's so damn cliche. Here's an example from Angie

"It's not his fault."

"What can I say, you never forget your first."

Again, poor writing.

At one of her low points the preachers kid finally decides to call the preacher. Although on his own answer machine the tagline is "What Would Jesus Do?" he doesn't pick up when he hears his daughter crying on it. Blasphemy! Hypocrite anyone?

Their is one thing that I did enjoy about the movie, the play Angie performed in. Yes it plays like a wannabe Madea knockoff but the music number are shockingly decent. We see Angie do the one thing she can do and she does it well. Too bad these moments are brief. Too bad the play is better than the movie its featured in.

Eventually Devlin gets his just desserts. He finally gets himself fired from the play and his career is in the toilet.  Angie also finds out that shes pregnant. I found this to be a shocking twist  and was pleased their was actually some real drama but everything isn't as it seem. After a final betrayal Angie tells Devlin and breaks up with him. She has something to smile about though because she finally landed the lead in the play.

While performing the heartfelt and coincidental song "daddy can I come home" she realizes she misses her daddy and wants to go home. After given a well deserved standing ovation she walks off stage and onto to the street to hail a cab and go home. She loves dramatic spur of the moment exits.

The audience is treated to seeing Devlin one more time. He approaches her just as she hails her taxi and tells her he's sorry for hurting her. Then he delivers another delicious line. In the most pathetic voice ever he whimpers "Angie can we record a demo together? My cousin gets his hair done by Babyfaces Aunt."

She tells him goodbye and goes home. Her buss drops her off right across the street from her fathers church on the exact date and time that her father is being honored, outside of the church, and is standing along with the rest of the church. The Preacher runs to his kid hugs, and kisses her and I'm supposed to forget that he ignored her phone calls. OK!!!

Angie gets her happy ending. She's not pregnant because she read the test wrong. She sure is stupid.  She cut her hair signifying that she is new woman and her choirs gospel CD is number one on the charts. Talk about a righteous ending!

I'm running out of cliche's so I will end this review with a prayer. Please bow your heads;

Dear Movie God, please stop the madness and wickedness of all responsible for this abomination. I ask that you have mercy on all that may have enjoyed this movie for they don't know any better and last but not least please make sure that one time writer/director REMAINS a one time writer/director.  In the name of good movies we pray.

Amen...

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BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

I Know Who Killed Me 2007

responsible parties

director

Chris Siverton (B & C list flicks)

writer

Jeff Hammond (nada)

actors

Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

Quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my 21 years, this movie is honorably bad. Starring Lindsay Lohan for the second time portraying a pair of  twin sisters only this time one is a school nerd and the other is a whore.  It plays out like a never shoulda been made sequel to The Parent Trap.  This movie thinks it's clever and mind bending when really it's dull and stupid, I must say it is one painful ride during which I wanted to kill me

It sucks so much that even the sexy sequences are boring and/or funny. Lindsay Lohan on a stipper pole is anything but sexy, shes stiff and awkward. And the sex scene I have chosen for this weeks clip personifies what bad movie are made of.

Red Riding Hood 2011

 responsible parties

director

Catherine Hardwick (twilight)

writer

David Johnson (Orphan)

actors

Amanda Seyfriend (Jennifers body)

Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight)

Max Irons (no other films)

Shiloh Fernandez (twilight Saga)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? "Not I", says this viewer and I'm sure the same can be said for any other viewer of this flick. Red Riding Hood attempts to remake the classic fairytale and fails in every way possible. Luckily we know who to blame.
The problems start with the scenes and setting. It's a dated tale, way back in the day which is fine but I didn't know things were so damn dreary back then. I mean I know they didn't have cable or plumbing back then but these poor people look like they live  in the  most miserable decade ever. It's dark and gloomy, and supposed to look fairytale-ish but it just looks very depressing and instantly reminds me of Van Helsing(2004) mixed with The Village(2004). Not a good thing.  
Next the movie in itself has very little to do with the classic story other than the fact that our red Riding Hood, whose name is Valerie, wears a red cape occasionally and carriers a picnic basket once. I guess our screenwriter thought this was enough to coincide with the fable.
The real trouble is the storyline. Valerie finds herself in a very by the book, extremely predictable, love triangle. She's caught between two polar opposites; one blond, meaning hes a good guy and the brunette, the bad boy. The blond is Henry, hes a silversmith and his family is very wealthy. This pleases Valarie's parents and she is arranged to marry him. Although he's a handsome one Valerie prefers our resident bad boy Peter. Well he's not actually that bad but he's a wood cutter, so he's working class and working class equals GROSS! Ironically Valerie's own father is a woodcutter himself but then again he is the town drunk so maybe they have a valid point their. So what is Valerie to do? She's torn between the man she loves and the man her family is pressuring her to marry.
I soon realized, to my horror(and not the good kind) that I was actually viewing a remake of Twilight. MY WORD! I wasn't too shocked to see that the director actually directed the first one YIKES! And the kid that plays Peter currently stars in the franchise NO!!!! It's always a bad sign when the credits of the movie are scarier than the movie itself, because Red Riding Hood was not scary. At All. I actually don't believe they intended this to be horror. I cannot even begin to take them seriously if this was meant to put fear in me.
But lets get back to the movie. At the dawn on our film, another victim is killed by the wolf. This happens often because a weird bell sounds and automatically everyone knows it has killed again. The victim turns out to be Valerie's older sister.  Her body is shown and their is a ceremony. She is never spoken of again nor mourned by Red or anyone else it town. Although the secluded and non empathetic town has been dealing with the beast for decades they finally decide that they have had enough. Into the woods all the men go including both of our heroins love interests. They quickly return with the head of very average looking grey wolf. Obviously this seems to good to be true. However they did encounter a casualty. Henry's fathers lifeless body is brought back as well. It is covered and soon forgotten and his death is also not mourned.
Although the town thinks that they have solved their wolf problems, a priest/wolf killer from another town arrives just in time to tell them that they're idiots and the true wolf is still alive and among them because it is a werewolf. Again I'm afraid and not the good kind. Someone please tell me the last good movie that has been made with a werewolf in it.....................................
The towns folk digest his information and blow him off like we knew they would. They have a celebration instead like we knew they would. They wear weird pig masks and do choreographed dance and eat and drink their fill. The wolf shows up, like we knew he would. He's a joke in himself and has been given the Twilight treatment as well because he is big as a dinosaur and very fake looking. Many anonymous townees are killed like we knew they would be. Of course no deaths are mourned. The Wolf corners Valerie and she and only she can hear him speak. We know that whoever this is someone close to her, but who? Who cares?
The movie goes back to the Twilight saga now accommodating a yummy werewolf mystery. I guess this is where the suspense is supposed to kick in. Someone is supposed to care enough to try to figure out who the wolf is that is killing all the people that no one even mourns. Valerie tries to keep her head above water. She can hardly bare being torn in two different directions. Henry can give her stability but Peter makes her horny (she can't keep her hands or lips off of him) and all the while she suspects either may be the wolf. The  movie tries to make it seem like everyone Valerie comes in contact with is guilty. Too many red herrings are thrown our way, as if we care about who this person/wolf is and when the big reveal happens.... Things. Get . Real.
Real lame. The person it ends up being is the ONLY person close to her that they didn't throw in our faces. The writer probably thought this was a clever "twist". In actuality it's "bullshit". What's worse is I have seen this done before in shitty movies. It s classic shitty movie ploy that any bozo can smell a mile away. It also plays out like the canine version of an episode of Maury. I'm not kidding and I refuse to elaborate, it's for your own good. Trust me. The ending is very weird and very trying to make light a very odd and not romantic relationship. I feel bad for Valerie well I would if I cared enough and she's smiling away like she's the luckiest woman on earth. It's just unsettling and very forgettable. In fact I would like to forget this Fairy FAIL all together. But I'm afraid I will forever be haunted by it. Again not in a good way.

MOVIE RANKING