Tuesday, January 31, 2012

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 1986

responsible parties
John Carl Buechner (Halloween 4)
Ed Naha (Honey I Shrunk the Kids)
Michael Moriarty ( Law & Order)
Shelley Hack (The Stepfather 1987)

I haven't seen this movie since I was 16yrs old. It's a classic 80's horror flick and I have alot respect for Horror movies made back then. They were inventive and original which is hard for me to say about of most movies in this generation. 50% of scary movies now are remakes from THIS ERA, usually bad ones at that. However, Alot of the 80s scary movies are pretty hilarious for my generation as well. Troll is definitely a gem in this sense. This is the first and last horror movie complete with a music number. I am so thankful for youtube so that I can share it with you all :)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Preachers Kid 2009

responsible parties
Stan foster(film debut)
Stan Foster(film debut)
Latoya Luckett (Destiny's Child)
Tank ( Now or Never (album)

Just when you thought it was safe to go to church again....To my horrified delight my boyfriend and I stumbled into this movie one night on BET. The preachers kids is Angie, played by Latoya Luckett.  Once a member of R&B group Destiny's Child, she left (or was fired) before they made it really big becoming the best selling female R&B group of all time. Talk about a missed opportunity. As a solo artist although she can sing she never did much in the industry.  This musical optimist plays opposite of Durell Babbs aka R&B singer and Grammy nominated Tank. Despite his nominations only hardcore rhythm and blues fan know him. The fact that one of the main actors is a has-been and other is a b-Lister isn't the reason why the movie sucks. Its sucks because the has-been and b-Lister can't act in this horribly written production. Please allow me to elaborate.
We meet Angie in Augusta, Georgia. She's a christian and a dedicated church member who loves performing in the choir. Not surprising since she's the daughter of the widower preacher she lives a very sheltered life.  In result, she is an 18yr old virgin who is shamelessly naive. Her whole life changes the night she meets Devlin(Tank).
He's handsome, older and charismatic. He even gets more points when Angie learns he works and performs in a traveling gospel play. (The play itself is a Madea play ripoff, complete with a man in a wig)
After spending the night with Devlin, he held her all night like a "perfect gentleman", he invites her to join the cast because he discovers she can sing. The next morning she's confronted by dad. After an argument follows Angie informs him that shes leaving right that minute to join up. She walks out with the clothes on her back. No luggage or anything.
On the road Angie finds that she can definitely get used to her freedom. She's made friends, falls for Devlin and enjoys her small roles in the play. Convinced that Devlin has a bonafide HALO over his head Angie has no problem losing her virginity to him. She's content and happy but things change faster than  you can say "amen"!
Devlin has a dark side to him. One seconds he's supporting and holding Angie and another he's telling her that her hair looks like shit, in front of her colleagues, although theirs nothing wrong with her perfectly well maintained mane. It's pretty laughable how hot and cold he is. Due to her inexperience and stupidity she remains inauspicious towards Devlin until one night when things take a turn for the worse, for Angie's relationship and the fate of this movie. One night she finds him smoking weed and disapproves.
"That stuffs for losers." she simply states. Devlin shockingly slaps the BA-JEESUS out of Angie and the words he spouts transform this movie from just a plain bad one into and unintentional comedy.
What the hell? How is that relevant? What does have to do with you smoking weed? Judging by his response I think the writer was smoking a lil' somethin himself when he came up with this crap. Flabbergasted Angie tries to exit then Devlin pulls the sympathy card, next thing you know its Angie comforting him. Devlin gives us another classic line saying he's never hit a woman before and he's just upset that his second CD didn't do so well. I'm not making this up. Him pretending to cry was as funny as it was pathetic. This guy is due a few acting classes and the writer/director needs to do some soul searching.
As the movie continues I realize I'm watching the straight to DVD, wanna be remake of  What's Love Got To Do With It, only this version isn't compelling, gripping or dramatic. It's just as pathetic as Angie is. She's beat constantly and blatantly cheated on . Everyone in their cast is well aware of their circumstances but no one is  willing to help her for fear that they will step on Devlin's toes. No good Samaritan in this group everyone chooses to "turn the other cheek".
This movie is starting to feel like  a rip off of  a Tyler Perry film. YIKES!
It's hard to feel empathy for this girl because she refuses to leave him.  Its  also really hard for me to believe that this is the first person to seduce her because she fell for him so shamelessly. She possesses ignorance that you don't just wake up with.
The subject matter is a serious one. Domestic violence is no joke. But this movie brings nothing new or compelling . Instead of exposing the topic its exploits it for gain and doesn't do a good job in hiding it. The issue at hand is gone by so inappropriately that one might get the feeling that its making fun of it even because it's so damn cliche. Here's an example from Angie
"It's not his fault."
"What can I say, you never forget your first."
Again, poor writing.
At one of her low points the preachers kid finally decides to call the preacher. Although on his own answer machine the tagline is "What Would Jesus Do?" he doesn't pick up when he hears his daughter crying on it. Blasphemy! Hypocrite anyone?
Their is one thing that I did enjoy about the movie, the play Angie performed in. Yes it plays like a wannabe Madea knockoff but the music number are shockingly decent. We see Angie do the one thing she can do and she does it well. Too bad these moments are brief. Too bad the play is better than the movie its featured in.
Eventually Devlin gets his just desserts. He finally gets himself fired from the play and his career is in the toilet.  Angie also finds out that shes pregnant. I found this to be a shocking twist  and was pleased their was actually some real drama but everything isn't as it seem. After a final betrayal Angie tells Devlin and breaks up with him. She has something to smile about though because she finally landed the lead in the play.
While performing the heartfelt and coincidental song "daddy can I come home" she realizes she misses her daddy and wants to go home. After given a well deserved standing ovation she walks off stage and onto to the street to hail a cab and go home. She loves dramatic spur of the moment exits.
The audience is treated to seeing Devlin one more time. He approaches her just as she hails her taxi and tells her he's sorry for hurting her. Then he delivers another delicious line. In the most pathetic voice ever he whimpers "Angie can we record a demo together? My cousin gets his hair done by Babyfaces Aunt."
She tells him goodbye and goes home. Her buss drops her off right across the street from her fathers church on the exact date and time that her father is being honored, outside of the church, and is standing along with the rest of the church. The Preacher runs to his kid hugs, and kisses her and I'm supposed to forget that he ignored her phone calls. OK!!!
Angie gets her happy ending. She's not pregnant because she read the test wrong. She sure is stupid.  She cut her hair signifying that she is new woman and her choirs gospel CD is number one on the charts. Talk about a righteous ending!
I'm running out of cliche's so I will end this review with a prayer. Please bow your heads;
Dear Movie God, please stop the madness and wickedness of all responsible for this abomination. I ask that you have mercy on all that may have enjoyed this movie for they don't know any better and last but not least please make sure that one time writer/director REMAINS a one time writer/director.  In the name of good movies we pray.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

I Know Who Killed Me 2007

responsible parties
Chris Siverton (B & C list flicks)
Jeff Hammond (nada)
Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

Quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my 21 years, this movie is honorably bad. Starring Lindsay Lohan for the second time portraying a pair of  twin sisters only this time one is a school nerd and the other is a whore.  It plays out like a never shoulda been made sequel to The Parent Trap.  This movie thinks it's clever and mind bending when really it's dull and stupid, I must say it is one painful ride during which I wanted to kill me
It sucks so much that even the sexy sequences are boring and/or funny. Lindsay Lohan on a stipper pole is anything but sexy, shes stiff and awkward. And the sex scene I have chosen for this weeks clip personifies what bad movie are made of.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Red Riding Hood 2011

 responsible parties
Catherine Hardwick (twilight)
David Johnson (Orphan)
Amanda Seyfriend (Jennifers body)
Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight)
Max Irons (no other films)
Shiloh Fernandez (twilight Saga)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? "Not I", says this viewer and I'm sure the same can be said for any other viewer of this flick. Red Riding Hood attempts to remake the classic fairytale and fails in every way possible. Luckily we know who to blame.
The problems start with the scenes and setting. It's a dated tale, way back in the day which is fine but I didn't know things were so damn dreary back then. I mean I know they didn't have cable or plumbing back then but these poor people look like they live  in the  most miserable decade ever. It's dark and gloomy, and supposed to look fairytale-ish but it just looks very depressing and instantly reminds me of Van Helsing(2004) mixed with The Village(2004). Not a good thing 
Next the movie in itself has very little to do with the classic story other than the fact that our red Riding Hood, whose name is Valerie, wears a red cape occasionally and carriers a picnic basket once. I guess our screenwriter thought this was enough to coincide with the fable.
The real trouble is the storyline. Valerie finds herself in a very by the book, extremely predictable, love triangle. She's caught between two polar opposites; one blond, meaning hes a good guy and the brunette, the bad boy. The blond is Henry, hes a silversmith and his family is very wealthy. This pleases Valarie's parents and she is arranged to marry him. Although he's a handsome one Valerie prefers our resident bad boy Peter. Well he's not actually that bad but he's a wood cutter, so he's working class and working class equals GROSS! Ironically Valerie's own father is a woodcutter himself but then again he is the town drunk so maybe they have a valid point their. So what is Valerie to do? She's torn between the man she loves and the man her family is pressuring her to marry.
I soon realized, to my horror(and not the good kind) that I was actually viewing a remake of Twilight. MY WORD! I wasn't too shocked to see that the director actually directed the first one YIKES! And the kid that plays Peter currently stars in the franchise NO!!!! It's always a bad sign when the credits of the movie are scarier than the movie itself, because Red Riding Hood was not scary. At All. I actually don't believe they intended this to be horror. I cannot even begin to take them seriously if this was meant to put fear in me.
But lets get back to the movie. At the dawn on our film, another victim is killed by the wolf. This happens often because a weird bell sounds and automatically everyone knows it has killed again. The victim turns out to be Valerie's older sister.  Her body is shown and their is a ceremony. She is never spoken of again nor mourned by Red or anyone else it town. Although the secluded and non empathetic town has been dealing with the beast for decades they finally decide that they have had enough. Into the woods all the men go including both of our heroins love interests. They quickly return with the head of very average looking grey wolf. Obviously this seems to good to be true. However they did encounter a casualty. Henry's fathers lifeless body is brought back as well. It is covered and soon forgotten and his death is also not mourned.
Although the town thinks that they have solved their wolf problems, a priest/wolf killer from another town arrives just in time to tell them that they're idiots and the true wolf is still alive and among them because it is a werewolf. Again I'm afraid and not the good kind. Someone please tell me the last good movie that has been made with a werewolf in it.....................................
The towns folk digest his information and blow him off like we knew they would. They have a celebration instead like we knew they would. They wear weird pig masks and do choreographed dance and eat and drink their fill. The wolf shows up, like we knew he would. He's a joke in himself and has been given the Twilight treatment as well because he is big as a dinosaur and very fake looking. Many anonymous townees are killed like we knew they would be. Of course no deaths are mourned. The Wolf corners Valerie and she and only she can hear him speak. We know that whoever this is someone close to her, but who? Who cares?
The movie goes back to the Twilight saga now accommodating a yummy werewolf mystery. I guess this is where the suspense is supposed to kick in. Someone is supposed to care enough to try to figure out who the wolf is that is killing all the people that no one even mourns. Valerie tries to keep her head above water. She can hardly bare being torn in two different directions. Henry can give her stability but Peter makes her horny (she can't keep her hands or lips off of him) and all the while she suspects either may be the wolf. The  movie tries to make it seem like everyone Valerie comes in contact with is guilty. Too many red herrings are thrown our way, as if we care about who this person/wolf is and when the big reveal happens.... Things. Get . Real.
Real lame. The person it ends up being is the ONLY person close to her that they didn't throw in our faces. The writer probably thought this was a clever "twist". In actuality it's "bullshit". What's worse is I have seen this done before in shitty movies. It s classic shitty movie ploy that any bozo can smell a mile away. It also plays out like the canine version of an episode of Maury. I'm not kidding and I refuse to elaborate, it's for your own good. Trust me. The ending is very weird and very trying to make light a very odd and not romantic relationship. I feel bad for Valerie well I would if I cared enough and she's smiling away like she's the luckiest woman on earth. It's just unsettling and very forgettable. In fact I would like to forget this Fairy FAIL all together. But I'm afraid I will forever be haunted by it. Again not in a good way.