Abduction 2011

responsible parties

director

John Singleton (Boyz N Da Hood) 

writer

Shawn Christensen (no credits)

actors

Sigourney Weaver (Alien)
Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga)

Maria Bello (Coyote Ugly)

Abduction is definitely a poser if I ever seen one. Abduction struts around with a chip on its' shoulder as if it's as thrilling and swift as Bourne Identity. It's over the top and in your face pretending to be as fun as Mission Impossible. Sadly Abductions' young hero fails embarrassingly at trying to be as charming as Shia Lebeouf in his movies like Disturbia and Eagle Eye. In fact Abduction plays out like a movie that was written with Shia Lebeouf in mind for the lead role. But why would he want this when the script plays out like a montage of all the previously mentioned movies rolled into one and sprayed into submission with axe body spray. That's why he's not the star. Instead we get that Twilight hunk. * cue Teenage girls swoon* 

Nathan (Lautner)  introduces himself to us by riding on the hood of his friends pickup with one hand going 70 mph with his cool shades on. No helmet or hesitation. He doesn't fear death. He's an adrenaline junkie. He. Is. Bad. Ass. To give some background on Nathan he lives in a wonderful neighborhood, in a beautiful home, in sunny California. He has a token black friend that makes alot of jokes and a white friend that doesn't speak much but well.... is there for the sake of him having a friend  that is white like him. His parents are hip, young and attractive. Him and his father like to beat the shit out of each other for fun. His father utters BS like "you wanna play with no rules you better be aware of what you let out the box." That's not even catchy. Despite Nathans comfy lifestyle he sees a therapist for an undisclosed reason. He tells his therapist (old ass Sigourney Weaver) that sometimes he feels like he doesn't fit in.  Like he doesn't belong.  Nathans about to get one helluva awakening!

He's linked up with Karen for a random sociology project. To my knowledge Sociology is really a college course but I digress. Karen and Nathan have a history, they were childhood friends. Adolescence and different cliques drove a wedge between them but now their reunited. *cue teen romance*

While researching, he finds his baby picture on a missing child's website. This is never explained. But it is a plot device to prompt Nathan into asking his gorgeous mother if he was adopted and she  says he was. His "parents" aren't really his parents. Their his "keepers", chosen by his real father to watch over him. Abandonment anyone?

The same night his keepers are killed by some secret agents right in front of him. Therapy may be ideal now. Him and Karen are on the run from these men dressed in black when his therapist shows up. She's one of his keepers too. In a high speed, car chase get away she gives them the address of a "safe place" they jump out of the moving vehicle.

I was impressed to see Abduction had everything on a Secret-Agent-movies checklist

• explosions
• agents dressed in black
• agents dressed in black running from room to room
• "foreign" villains
• CIA references
• words like ''operative''
• roundhouse kicks 

Weirdly enough no one in this movie has a droid or iPhone. Every single person with a cellular device had a flip phone. It's not a big deal but it's odd. The CIA were making it so anytime Nathan picked up a phone from ANYWHERE and he was connected to the CIA but they were using a phone that doesn't have Internet? This made the tiny detail of the movie uneven with the technology aspect of the film.

While on the run Nathan and Karen grow close. In a generously sized train suite they make out, full  on she even gets on his lap. It gets "steamy" until Karen suddenly stops and suggests they get lunch. After all this is a pg-13 movie. *Sorry tween girls*

I'm also sorry to report that Taylor still does not have much of an acting skill to speak of. His lines are uttered with out any conviction but always with a serious expression as if that makes him the tough rough neck he's supposed to be. I found myself laughing at a few of his facial expressions  as well. Sorry Taylor, but your acting ability has as much potential as road kill.

 I enjoyed the stupidity and arrogance of Abduction for the most part.  Sadly the last 30 minutes were almost unbearable. I finished it only for the sake of this blog. The movies resolution is stupid and anti climatic although it's at a packed baseball stadium. His elusive father returns the save his son and disappears just as quickly. Karen and Nathan are happy to be alive. His keeper/therapist volunteers be his new guardian. It's a sweet , cheesy ending. I would love to suggest to Taylor Lautner to further his eductation and pursue a different career. Perhaps modeling since he loves showing his tan skin and ripped abs. The Twilight Saga has only one more film left and I shudder to think what his career will turn into to once the Phenomanon is over. Hang it up Taylor, please hang it up *cue dial tone*

MOVIE RANKING



The Unborn 2009

responsible parties

director

David S. Goyer (The Invisible)

writer

David S. Goyer (Jumper)

actors

Odette Yustman(Cloverfield)

Gary Oldman (Air Force One)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

"Jumby wants to be born now" um ok....... Imagine the kid pictured above telling this to Casey, who resembles Megan Fox although not nearly as sexy, and then imagine the weirdo kid hitting her. It's pretty funny, and dumb. It is also the beginning of a very bizarre and cliche wanna be thriller that's all over the place and yet still formulatic. Unfortunately the movie had way too many ideas that should have been "unborn".

 At least we get some eye candy along with Casey is her best friend Romy, played by Megan Good.
Apparently Meagan Good has been trying to expand her career because usually she plays the pretty gf in all her flicks so she chose to go the horror route. She's having bad luck, being cast in other shitty movies like this  one such as One Missed Call and Saw 4. Yikes!
Soon after Casey is attacked by that ugly kid Romy notices that her right eye looks weird all of a sudden.  To the audience its clear that all she has to do is take out the obvious contact but Casey goes to the optometrist and discovers she has a rare eye condition that is usually common in twins. After asking her father he reveals that she was a twin but her other half died early in uterine.... He also reveals that her mother and him nicknamed him "Jumby". What an atrocious name. Gross. Casey's father is never heard  from again for the rest of the movie. Shocker. Her mother committed suicide many years ago but it is never revealed why. Lame.
As the mystery that no one cares about unfolds Casey struts around in her white cotton panties and lays in bed with  her boyfriend. More weird shit happens. Casey starts seeing things. She suddenly decides to go see her grandmother, who is currently living in a rest home. Grandmother tells her a ghost has been haunting their family for decades that even dates back to the Holocaust. The ghost supposedly can only enter the world through a twins body, although several non twins are possessed by said ghost throughout the movie...... Caseys' grandma was a twin herself but she killed her other half when he became possesed........ Apparently the ghost has been hovering and waiting ever since. For some reason Casey  enlists a Rabbi to perform some sort of Jewish exorcism.  I'm not sure why she needs an eroxrcism, the ghost isn't in her.....ok?.....Our Rabbi is played by Gary Oldman whose movie career has many hits and misses, here's another. To sum it all up Everyone around Casey dies. Her sexy friend, her boyfriend, the rabbi and the people he enlists to help. I always find that funny in a movie that the people that came to help the main character always die.
The ending leaves me puzzeled, but instead of wondering "OMG whats gonna happen next"? I wonder "OMG what just happened (in the past 90mins)?"
"Casey finds herself pregnant at the finale. She's having twins. Guess the ghost is now after her unborns...... Good riddance. If you're thinking about watching this flick, do what I should have done, abort that idea quickly.

MOVIE RANKING

Jennifers Body 2009

responsible parties

director

Karyn Kusama (Girl Fight)

writer

Diablo Cody (Juno)

actors

Megan Fox- (Transformers 1&2)

Amanda Seyfriend- (Big Love, Red Riding Hood)

 I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox who's sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays a sexy, feisty cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?! Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifer's Body left me completely unsatisfied, underwhelmed and totally annoyed!

Essentially Megan Fox plays herself. An undoubtedly sexy, selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didn't see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can guarantee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifer's character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike each other if they tried. Needy is a sarcastic nerd complete with these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first came out.  This chick is a band geek, literally. The chances of these two being friends in real life is very slim, they swim in two different social ponds. Needy is dressed in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needy character wasn't much more likable than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blond. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

I don't really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but  theirs only so much a regular person can take. What I barely tolerated in Juno became unbearable in Jen's Body.

The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whose front man is played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nail polish and guy liner his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needy's classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douche band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail. They chose Jennifer.

Of course Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eagerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar expectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting their soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the literal sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone that's eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitive and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed  not only Needy's admiration for Jennifer but her attraction, not that I blame her. I can't, in good conscience review the movie without mentioning their makeout scene. It was steaming hot girl on girl lips and tonuge action. Very sexy, but kinda out of nowhere. I'd compare it having a stranger hand you a thousand doallars in cash. Thrilling, exciting but after a while has you wondering "why?''. The scene like Megan Fox is a feast for the eyes. Sexy as hell, but not much else. I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-HELL YEA!

But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun!

Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everything it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun. It was not action. It just was..... And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter awkwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialogue ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialogue was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

MOVIE RANKING