The Unborn 2009

responsible parties

director

David S. Goyer (The Invisible)

writer

David S. Goyer (Jumper)

actors

Odette Yustman(Cloverfield)

Gary Oldman (Air Force One)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

"Jumby wants to be born now" um ok....... Imagine the kid pictured above telling this to Casey, who resembles Megan Fox although not nearly as sexy, and then imagine the weirdo kid hitting her. It's pretty funny, and dumb. It is also the beginning of a very bizarre and cliche wanna be thriller that's all over the place and yet still formulatic. Unfortunately the movie had way too many ideas that should have been "unborn".

 At least we get some eye candy along with Casey is her best friend Romy, played by Megan Good.
Apparently Meagan Good has been trying to expand her career because usually she plays the pretty gf in all her flicks so she chose to go the horror route. She's having bad luck, being cast in other shitty movies like this  one such as One Missed Call and Saw 4. Yikes!
Soon after Casey is attacked by that ugly kid Romy notices that her right eye looks weird all of a sudden.  To the audience its clear that all she has to do is take out the obvious contact but Casey goes to the optometrist and discovers she has a rare eye condition that is usually common in twins. After asking her father he reveals that she was a twin but her other half died early in uterine.... He also reveals that her mother and him nicknamed him "Jumby". What an atrocious name. Gross. Casey's father is never heard  from again for the rest of the movie. Shocker. Her mother committed suicide many years ago but it is never revealed why. Lame.
As the mystery that no one cares about unfolds Casey struts around in her white cotton panties and lays in bed with  her boyfriend. More weird shit happens. Casey starts seeing things. She suddenly decides to go see her grandmother, who is currently living in a rest home. Grandmother tells her a ghost has been haunting their family for decades that even dates back to the Holocaust. The ghost supposedly can only enter the world through a twins body, although several non twins are possessed by said ghost throughout the movie...... Caseys' grandma was a twin herself but she killed her other half when he became possesed........ Apparently the ghost has been hovering and waiting ever since. For some reason Casey  enlists a Rabbi to perform some sort of Jewish exorcism.  I'm not sure why she needs an eroxrcism, the ghost isn't in her.....ok?.....Our Rabbi is played by Gary Oldman whose movie career has many hits and misses, here's another. To sum it all up Everyone around Casey dies. Her sexy friend, her boyfriend, the rabbi and the people he enlists to help. I always find that funny in a movie that the people that came to help the main character always die.
The ending leaves me puzzeled, but instead of wondering "OMG whats gonna happen next"? I wonder "OMG what just happened (in the past 90mins)?"
"Casey finds herself pregnant at the finale. She's having twins. Guess the ghost is now after her unborns...... Good riddance. If you're thinking about watching this flick, do what I should have done, abort that idea quickly.

MOVIE RANKING

Red Riding Hood 2011

 responsible parties

director

Catherine Hardwick (twilight)

writer

David Johnson (Orphan)

actors

Amanda Seyfriend (Jennifers body)

Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight)

Max Irons (no other films)

Shiloh Fernandez (twilight Saga)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? "Not I", says this viewer and I'm sure the same can be said for any other viewer of this flick. Red Riding Hood attempts to remake the classic fairytale and fails in every way possible. Luckily we know who to blame.
The problems start with the scenes and setting. It's a dated tale, way back in the day which is fine but I didn't know things were so damn dreary back then. I mean I know they didn't have cable or plumbing back then but these poor people look like they live  in the  most miserable decade ever. It's dark and gloomy, and supposed to look fairytale-ish but it just looks very depressing and instantly reminds me of Van Helsing(2004) mixed with The Village(2004). Not a good thing.  
Next the movie in itself has very little to do with the classic story other than the fact that our red Riding Hood, whose name is Valerie, wears a red cape occasionally and carriers a picnic basket once. I guess our screenwriter thought this was enough to coincide with the fable.
The real trouble is the storyline. Valerie finds herself in a very by the book, extremely predictable, love triangle. She's caught between two polar opposites; one blond, meaning hes a good guy and the brunette, the bad boy. The blond is Henry, hes a silversmith and his family is very wealthy. This pleases Valarie's parents and she is arranged to marry him. Although he's a handsome one Valerie prefers our resident bad boy Peter. Well he's not actually that bad but he's a wood cutter, so he's working class and working class equals GROSS! Ironically Valerie's own father is a woodcutter himself but then again he is the town drunk so maybe they have a valid point their. So what is Valerie to do? She's torn between the man she loves and the man her family is pressuring her to marry.
I soon realized, to my horror(and not the good kind) that I was actually viewing a remake of Twilight. MY WORD! I wasn't too shocked to see that the director actually directed the first one YIKES! And the kid that plays Peter currently stars in the franchise NO!!!! It's always a bad sign when the credits of the movie are scarier than the movie itself, because Red Riding Hood was not scary. At All. I actually don't believe they intended this to be horror. I cannot even begin to take them seriously if this was meant to put fear in me.
But lets get back to the movie. At the dawn on our film, another victim is killed by the wolf. This happens often because a weird bell sounds and automatically everyone knows it has killed again. The victim turns out to be Valerie's older sister.  Her body is shown and their is a ceremony. She is never spoken of again nor mourned by Red or anyone else it town. Although the secluded and non empathetic town has been dealing with the beast for decades they finally decide that they have had enough. Into the woods all the men go including both of our heroins love interests. They quickly return with the head of very average looking grey wolf. Obviously this seems to good to be true. However they did encounter a casualty. Henry's fathers lifeless body is brought back as well. It is covered and soon forgotten and his death is also not mourned.
Although the town thinks that they have solved their wolf problems, a priest/wolf killer from another town arrives just in time to tell them that they're idiots and the true wolf is still alive and among them because it is a werewolf. Again I'm afraid and not the good kind. Someone please tell me the last good movie that has been made with a werewolf in it.....................................
The towns folk digest his information and blow him off like we knew they would. They have a celebration instead like we knew they would. They wear weird pig masks and do choreographed dance and eat and drink their fill. The wolf shows up, like we knew he would. He's a joke in himself and has been given the Twilight treatment as well because he is big as a dinosaur and very fake looking. Many anonymous townees are killed like we knew they would be. Of course no deaths are mourned. The Wolf corners Valerie and she and only she can hear him speak. We know that whoever this is someone close to her, but who? Who cares?
The movie goes back to the Twilight saga now accommodating a yummy werewolf mystery. I guess this is where the suspense is supposed to kick in. Someone is supposed to care enough to try to figure out who the wolf is that is killing all the people that no one even mourns. Valerie tries to keep her head above water. She can hardly bare being torn in two different directions. Henry can give her stability but Peter makes her horny (she can't keep her hands or lips off of him) and all the while she suspects either may be the wolf. The  movie tries to make it seem like everyone Valerie comes in contact with is guilty. Too many red herrings are thrown our way, as if we care about who this person/wolf is and when the big reveal happens.... Things. Get . Real.
Real lame. The person it ends up being is the ONLY person close to her that they didn't throw in our faces. The writer probably thought this was a clever "twist". In actuality it's "bullshit". What's worse is I have seen this done before in shitty movies. It s classic shitty movie ploy that any bozo can smell a mile away. It also plays out like the canine version of an episode of Maury. I'm not kidding and I refuse to elaborate, it's for your own good. Trust me. The ending is very weird and very trying to make light a very odd and not romantic relationship. I feel bad for Valerie well I would if I cared enough and she's smiling away like she's the luckiest woman on earth. It's just unsettling and very forgettable. In fact I would like to forget this Fairy FAIL all together. But I'm afraid I will forever be haunted by it. Again not in a good way.

MOVIE RANKING