Jennifers Body 2009

responsible parties

director

Karyn Kusama (Girl Fight)

writer

Diablo Cody (Juno)

actors

Megan Fox- (Transformers 1&2)

Amanda Seyfriend- (Big Love, Red Riding Hood)

 I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox who's sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays a sexy, feisty cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?! Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifer's Body left me completely unsatisfied, underwhelmed and totally annoyed!

Essentially Megan Fox plays herself. An undoubtedly sexy, selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didn't see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can guarantee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifer's character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike each other if they tried. Needy is a sarcastic nerd complete with these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first came out.  This chick is a band geek, literally. The chances of these two being friends in real life is very slim, they swim in two different social ponds. Needy is dressed in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needy character wasn't much more likable than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blond. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

I don't really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but  theirs only so much a regular person can take. What I barely tolerated in Juno became unbearable in Jen's Body.

The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whose front man is played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nail polish and guy liner his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needy's classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douche band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail. They chose Jennifer.

Of course Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eagerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar expectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting their soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the literal sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone that's eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitive and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed  not only Needy's admiration for Jennifer but her attraction, not that I blame her. I can't, in good conscience review the movie without mentioning their makeout scene. It was steaming hot girl on girl lips and tonuge action. Very sexy, but kinda out of nowhere. I'd compare it having a stranger hand you a thousand doallars in cash. Thrilling, exciting but after a while has you wondering "why?''. The scene like Megan Fox is a feast for the eyes. Sexy as hell, but not much else. I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-HELL YEA!

But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun!

Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everything it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun. It was not action. It just was..... And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter awkwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialogue ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialogue was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

MOVIE RANKING

Red Riding Hood 2011

 responsible parties

director

Catherine Hardwick (twilight)

writer

David Johnson (Orphan)

actors

Amanda Seyfriend (Jennifers body)

Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight)

Max Irons (no other films)

Shiloh Fernandez (twilight Saga)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? "Not I", says this viewer and I'm sure the same can be said for any other viewer of this flick. Red Riding Hood attempts to remake the classic fairytale and fails in every way possible. Luckily we know who to blame.
The problems start with the scenes and setting. It's a dated tale, way back in the day which is fine but I didn't know things were so damn dreary back then. I mean I know they didn't have cable or plumbing back then but these poor people look like they live  in the  most miserable decade ever. It's dark and gloomy, and supposed to look fairytale-ish but it just looks very depressing and instantly reminds me of Van Helsing(2004) mixed with The Village(2004). Not a good thing.  
Next the movie in itself has very little to do with the classic story other than the fact that our red Riding Hood, whose name is Valerie, wears a red cape occasionally and carriers a picnic basket once. I guess our screenwriter thought this was enough to coincide with the fable.
The real trouble is the storyline. Valerie finds herself in a very by the book, extremely predictable, love triangle. She's caught between two polar opposites; one blond, meaning hes a good guy and the brunette, the bad boy. The blond is Henry, hes a silversmith and his family is very wealthy. This pleases Valarie's parents and she is arranged to marry him. Although he's a handsome one Valerie prefers our resident bad boy Peter. Well he's not actually that bad but he's a wood cutter, so he's working class and working class equals GROSS! Ironically Valerie's own father is a woodcutter himself but then again he is the town drunk so maybe they have a valid point their. So what is Valerie to do? She's torn between the man she loves and the man her family is pressuring her to marry.
I soon realized, to my horror(and not the good kind) that I was actually viewing a remake of Twilight. MY WORD! I wasn't too shocked to see that the director actually directed the first one YIKES! And the kid that plays Peter currently stars in the franchise NO!!!! It's always a bad sign when the credits of the movie are scarier than the movie itself, because Red Riding Hood was not scary. At All. I actually don't believe they intended this to be horror. I cannot even begin to take them seriously if this was meant to put fear in me.
But lets get back to the movie. At the dawn on our film, another victim is killed by the wolf. This happens often because a weird bell sounds and automatically everyone knows it has killed again. The victim turns out to be Valerie's older sister.  Her body is shown and their is a ceremony. She is never spoken of again nor mourned by Red or anyone else it town. Although the secluded and non empathetic town has been dealing with the beast for decades they finally decide that they have had enough. Into the woods all the men go including both of our heroins love interests. They quickly return with the head of very average looking grey wolf. Obviously this seems to good to be true. However they did encounter a casualty. Henry's fathers lifeless body is brought back as well. It is covered and soon forgotten and his death is also not mourned.
Although the town thinks that they have solved their wolf problems, a priest/wolf killer from another town arrives just in time to tell them that they're idiots and the true wolf is still alive and among them because it is a werewolf. Again I'm afraid and not the good kind. Someone please tell me the last good movie that has been made with a werewolf in it.....................................
The towns folk digest his information and blow him off like we knew they would. They have a celebration instead like we knew they would. They wear weird pig masks and do choreographed dance and eat and drink their fill. The wolf shows up, like we knew he would. He's a joke in himself and has been given the Twilight treatment as well because he is big as a dinosaur and very fake looking. Many anonymous townees are killed like we knew they would be. Of course no deaths are mourned. The Wolf corners Valerie and she and only she can hear him speak. We know that whoever this is someone close to her, but who? Who cares?
The movie goes back to the Twilight saga now accommodating a yummy werewolf mystery. I guess this is where the suspense is supposed to kick in. Someone is supposed to care enough to try to figure out who the wolf is that is killing all the people that no one even mourns. Valerie tries to keep her head above water. She can hardly bare being torn in two different directions. Henry can give her stability but Peter makes her horny (she can't keep her hands or lips off of him) and all the while she suspects either may be the wolf. The  movie tries to make it seem like everyone Valerie comes in contact with is guilty. Too many red herrings are thrown our way, as if we care about who this person/wolf is and when the big reveal happens.... Things. Get . Real.
Real lame. The person it ends up being is the ONLY person close to her that they didn't throw in our faces. The writer probably thought this was a clever "twist". In actuality it's "bullshit". What's worse is I have seen this done before in shitty movies. It s classic shitty movie ploy that any bozo can smell a mile away. It also plays out like the canine version of an episode of Maury. I'm not kidding and I refuse to elaborate, it's for your own good. Trust me. The ending is very weird and very trying to make light a very odd and not romantic relationship. I feel bad for Valerie well I would if I cared enough and she's smiling away like she's the luckiest woman on earth. It's just unsettling and very forgettable. In fact I would like to forget this Fairy FAIL all together. But I'm afraid I will forever be haunted by it. Again not in a good way.

MOVIE RANKING