Abduction 2011

responsible parties

director

John Singleton (Boyz N Da Hood) 

writer

Shawn Christensen (no credits)

actors

Sigourney Weaver (Alien)
Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga)

Maria Bello (Coyote Ugly)

Abduction is definitely a poser if I ever seen one. Abduction struts around with a chip on its' shoulder as if it's as thrilling and swift as Bourne Identity. It's over the top and in your face pretending to be as fun as Mission Impossible. Sadly Abductions' young hero fails embarrassingly at trying to be as charming as Shia Lebeouf in his movies like Disturbia and Eagle Eye. In fact Abduction plays out like a movie that was written with Shia Lebeouf in mind for the lead role. But why would he want this when the script plays out like a montage of all the previously mentioned movies rolled into one and sprayed into submission with axe body spray. That's why he's not the star. Instead we get that Twilight hunk. * cue Teenage girls swoon* 

Nathan (Lautner)  introduces himself to us by riding on the hood of his friends pickup with one hand going 70 mph with his cool shades on. No helmet or hesitation. He doesn't fear death. He's an adrenaline junkie. He. Is. Bad. Ass. To give some background on Nathan he lives in a wonderful neighborhood, in a beautiful home, in sunny California. He has a token black friend that makes alot of jokes and a white friend that doesn't speak much but well.... is there for the sake of him having a friend  that is white like him. His parents are hip, young and attractive. Him and his father like to beat the shit out of each other for fun. His father utters BS like "you wanna play with no rules you better be aware of what you let out the box." That's not even catchy. Despite Nathans comfy lifestyle he sees a therapist for an undisclosed reason. He tells his therapist (old ass Sigourney Weaver) that sometimes he feels like he doesn't fit in.  Like he doesn't belong.  Nathans about to get one helluva awakening!

He's linked up with Karen for a random sociology project. To my knowledge Sociology is really a college course but I digress. Karen and Nathan have a history, they were childhood friends. Adolescence and different cliques drove a wedge between them but now their reunited. *cue teen romance*

While researching, he finds his baby picture on a missing child's website. This is never explained. But it is a plot device to prompt Nathan into asking his gorgeous mother if he was adopted and she  says he was. His "parents" aren't really his parents. Their his "keepers", chosen by his real father to watch over him. Abandonment anyone?

The same night his keepers are killed by some secret agents right in front of him. Therapy may be ideal now. Him and Karen are on the run from these men dressed in black when his therapist shows up. She's one of his keepers too. In a high speed, car chase get away she gives them the address of a "safe place" they jump out of the moving vehicle.

I was impressed to see Abduction had everything on a Secret-Agent-movies checklist

• explosions
• agents dressed in black
• agents dressed in black running from room to room
• "foreign" villains
• CIA references
• words like ''operative''
• roundhouse kicks 

Weirdly enough no one in this movie has a droid or iPhone. Every single person with a cellular device had a flip phone. It's not a big deal but it's odd. The CIA were making it so anytime Nathan picked up a phone from ANYWHERE and he was connected to the CIA but they were using a phone that doesn't have Internet? This made the tiny detail of the movie uneven with the technology aspect of the film.

While on the run Nathan and Karen grow close. In a generously sized train suite they make out, full  on she even gets on his lap. It gets "steamy" until Karen suddenly stops and suggests they get lunch. After all this is a pg-13 movie. *Sorry tween girls*

I'm also sorry to report that Taylor still does not have much of an acting skill to speak of. His lines are uttered with out any conviction but always with a serious expression as if that makes him the tough rough neck he's supposed to be. I found myself laughing at a few of his facial expressions  as well. Sorry Taylor, but your acting ability has as much potential as road kill.

 I enjoyed the stupidity and arrogance of Abduction for the most part.  Sadly the last 30 minutes were almost unbearable. I finished it only for the sake of this blog. The movies resolution is stupid and anti climatic although it's at a packed baseball stadium. His elusive father returns the save his son and disappears just as quickly. Karen and Nathan are happy to be alive. His keeper/therapist volunteers be his new guardian. It's a sweet , cheesy ending. I would love to suggest to Taylor Lautner to further his eductation and pursue a different career. Perhaps modeling since he loves showing his tan skin and ripped abs. The Twilight Saga has only one more film left and I shudder to think what his career will turn into to once the Phenomanon is over. Hang it up Taylor, please hang it up *cue dial tone*

MOVIE RANKING



Red Riding Hood 2011

 responsible parties

director

Catherine Hardwick (twilight)

writer

David Johnson (Orphan)

actors

Amanda Seyfriend (Jennifers body)

Gary Oldman (The Dark Knight)

Max Irons (no other films)

Shiloh Fernandez (twilight Saga)

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? "Not I", says this viewer and I'm sure the same can be said for any other viewer of this flick. Red Riding Hood attempts to remake the classic fairytale and fails in every way possible. Luckily we know who to blame.
The problems start with the scenes and setting. It's a dated tale, way back in the day which is fine but I didn't know things were so damn dreary back then. I mean I know they didn't have cable or plumbing back then but these poor people look like they live  in the  most miserable decade ever. It's dark and gloomy, and supposed to look fairytale-ish but it just looks very depressing and instantly reminds me of Van Helsing(2004) mixed with The Village(2004). Not a good thing.  
Next the movie in itself has very little to do with the classic story other than the fact that our red Riding Hood, whose name is Valerie, wears a red cape occasionally and carriers a picnic basket once. I guess our screenwriter thought this was enough to coincide with the fable.
The real trouble is the storyline. Valerie finds herself in a very by the book, extremely predictable, love triangle. She's caught between two polar opposites; one blond, meaning hes a good guy and the brunette, the bad boy. The blond is Henry, hes a silversmith and his family is very wealthy. This pleases Valarie's parents and she is arranged to marry him. Although he's a handsome one Valerie prefers our resident bad boy Peter. Well he's not actually that bad but he's a wood cutter, so he's working class and working class equals GROSS! Ironically Valerie's own father is a woodcutter himself but then again he is the town drunk so maybe they have a valid point their. So what is Valerie to do? She's torn between the man she loves and the man her family is pressuring her to marry.
I soon realized, to my horror(and not the good kind) that I was actually viewing a remake of Twilight. MY WORD! I wasn't too shocked to see that the director actually directed the first one YIKES! And the kid that plays Peter currently stars in the franchise NO!!!! It's always a bad sign when the credits of the movie are scarier than the movie itself, because Red Riding Hood was not scary. At All. I actually don't believe they intended this to be horror. I cannot even begin to take them seriously if this was meant to put fear in me.
But lets get back to the movie. At the dawn on our film, another victim is killed by the wolf. This happens often because a weird bell sounds and automatically everyone knows it has killed again. The victim turns out to be Valerie's older sister.  Her body is shown and their is a ceremony. She is never spoken of again nor mourned by Red or anyone else it town. Although the secluded and non empathetic town has been dealing with the beast for decades they finally decide that they have had enough. Into the woods all the men go including both of our heroins love interests. They quickly return with the head of very average looking grey wolf. Obviously this seems to good to be true. However they did encounter a casualty. Henry's fathers lifeless body is brought back as well. It is covered and soon forgotten and his death is also not mourned.
Although the town thinks that they have solved their wolf problems, a priest/wolf killer from another town arrives just in time to tell them that they're idiots and the true wolf is still alive and among them because it is a werewolf. Again I'm afraid and not the good kind. Someone please tell me the last good movie that has been made with a werewolf in it.....................................
The towns folk digest his information and blow him off like we knew they would. They have a celebration instead like we knew they would. They wear weird pig masks and do choreographed dance and eat and drink their fill. The wolf shows up, like we knew he would. He's a joke in himself and has been given the Twilight treatment as well because he is big as a dinosaur and very fake looking. Many anonymous townees are killed like we knew they would be. Of course no deaths are mourned. The Wolf corners Valerie and she and only she can hear him speak. We know that whoever this is someone close to her, but who? Who cares?
The movie goes back to the Twilight saga now accommodating a yummy werewolf mystery. I guess this is where the suspense is supposed to kick in. Someone is supposed to care enough to try to figure out who the wolf is that is killing all the people that no one even mourns. Valerie tries to keep her head above water. She can hardly bare being torn in two different directions. Henry can give her stability but Peter makes her horny (she can't keep her hands or lips off of him) and all the while she suspects either may be the wolf. The  movie tries to make it seem like everyone Valerie comes in contact with is guilty. Too many red herrings are thrown our way, as if we care about who this person/wolf is and when the big reveal happens.... Things. Get . Real.
Real lame. The person it ends up being is the ONLY person close to her that they didn't throw in our faces. The writer probably thought this was a clever "twist". In actuality it's "bullshit". What's worse is I have seen this done before in shitty movies. It s classic shitty movie ploy that any bozo can smell a mile away. It also plays out like the canine version of an episode of Maury. I'm not kidding and I refuse to elaborate, it's for your own good. Trust me. The ending is very weird and very trying to make light a very odd and not romantic relationship. I feel bad for Valerie well I would if I cared enough and she's smiling away like she's the luckiest woman on earth. It's just unsettling and very forgettable. In fact I would like to forget this Fairy FAIL all together. But I'm afraid I will forever be haunted by it. Again not in a good way.

MOVIE RANKING