The Unborn 2009

responsible parties

director

David S. Goyer (The Invisible)

writer

David S. Goyer (Jumper)

actors

Odette Yustman(Cloverfield)

Gary Oldman (Air Force One)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

"Jumby wants to be born now" um ok....... Imagine the kid pictured above telling this to Casey, who resembles Megan Fox although not nearly as sexy, and then imagine the weirdo kid hitting her. It's pretty funny, and dumb. It is also the beginning of a very bizarre and cliche wanna be thriller that's all over the place and yet still formulatic. Unfortunately the movie had way too many ideas that should have been "unborn".

 At least we get some eye candy along with Casey is her best friend Romy, played by Megan Good.
Apparently Meagan Good has been trying to expand her career because usually she plays the pretty gf in all her flicks so she chose to go the horror route. She's having bad luck, being cast in other shitty movies like this  one such as One Missed Call and Saw 4. Yikes!
Soon after Casey is attacked by that ugly kid Romy notices that her right eye looks weird all of a sudden.  To the audience its clear that all she has to do is take out the obvious contact but Casey goes to the optometrist and discovers she has a rare eye condition that is usually common in twins. After asking her father he reveals that she was a twin but her other half died early in uterine.... He also reveals that her mother and him nicknamed him "Jumby". What an atrocious name. Gross. Casey's father is never heard  from again for the rest of the movie. Shocker. Her mother committed suicide many years ago but it is never revealed why. Lame.
As the mystery that no one cares about unfolds Casey struts around in her white cotton panties and lays in bed with  her boyfriend. More weird shit happens. Casey starts seeing things. She suddenly decides to go see her grandmother, who is currently living in a rest home. Grandmother tells her a ghost has been haunting their family for decades that even dates back to the Holocaust. The ghost supposedly can only enter the world through a twins body, although several non twins are possessed by said ghost throughout the movie...... Caseys' grandma was a twin herself but she killed her other half when he became possesed........ Apparently the ghost has been hovering and waiting ever since. For some reason Casey  enlists a Rabbi to perform some sort of Jewish exorcism.  I'm not sure why she needs an eroxrcism, the ghost isn't in her.....ok?.....Our Rabbi is played by Gary Oldman whose movie career has many hits and misses, here's another. To sum it all up Everyone around Casey dies. Her sexy friend, her boyfriend, the rabbi and the people he enlists to help. I always find that funny in a movie that the people that came to help the main character always die.
The ending leaves me puzzeled, but instead of wondering "OMG whats gonna happen next"? I wonder "OMG what just happened (in the past 90mins)?"
"Casey finds herself pregnant at the finale. She's having twins. Guess the ghost is now after her unborns...... Good riddance. If you're thinking about watching this flick, do what I should have done, abort that idea quickly.

MOVIE RANKING

Jennifers Body 2009

responsible parties

director

Karyn Kusama (Girl Fight)

writer

Diablo Cody (Juno)

actors

Megan Fox- (Transformers 1&2)

Amanda Seyfriend- (Big Love, Red Riding Hood)

 I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox who's sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays a sexy, feisty cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?! Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifer's Body left me completely unsatisfied, underwhelmed and totally annoyed!

Essentially Megan Fox plays herself. An undoubtedly sexy, selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didn't see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can guarantee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifer's character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike each other if they tried. Needy is a sarcastic nerd complete with these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first came out.  This chick is a band geek, literally. The chances of these two being friends in real life is very slim, they swim in two different social ponds. Needy is dressed in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needy character wasn't much more likable than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blond. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

I don't really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but  theirs only so much a regular person can take. What I barely tolerated in Juno became unbearable in Jen's Body.

The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whose front man is played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nail polish and guy liner his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needy's classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douche band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail. They chose Jennifer.

Of course Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eagerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar expectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting their soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the literal sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone that's eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitive and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed  not only Needy's admiration for Jennifer but her attraction, not that I blame her. I can't, in good conscience review the movie without mentioning their makeout scene. It was steaming hot girl on girl lips and tonuge action. Very sexy, but kinda out of nowhere. I'd compare it having a stranger hand you a thousand doallars in cash. Thrilling, exciting but after a while has you wondering "why?''. The scene like Megan Fox is a feast for the eyes. Sexy as hell, but not much else. I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-HELL YEA!

But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun!

Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everything it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun. It was not action. It just was..... And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter awkwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialogue ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialogue was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

MOVIE RANKING

Preachers Kid 2009

responsible parties

director

Stan foster(film debut)

writer

Stan Foster(film debut)

actors

Latoya Luckett (Destiny's Child)

Tank ( Now or Never (album)

Just when you thought it was safe to go to church again....To my horrified delight my boyfriend and I stumbled into this movie one night on BET. The preachers kids is Angie, played by Latoya Luckett.  Once a member of R&B group Destiny's Child, she left (or was fired) before they made it really big becoming the best selling female R&B group of all time. Talk about a missed opportunity. As a solo artist although she can sing she never did much in the industry.  This musical optimist plays opposite of Durell Babbs aka R&B singer and Grammy nominated Tank. Despite his nominations only hardcore rhythm and blues fan know him. The fact that one of the main actors is a has-been and other is a b-Lister isn't the reason why the movie sucks. Its sucks because the has-been and b-Lister can't act in this horribly written production. Please allow me to elaborate.

We meet Angie in Augusta, Georgia. She's a christian and a dedicated church member who loves performing in the choir. Not surprising since she's the daughter of the widower preacher she lives a very sheltered life.  In result, she is an 18yr old virgin who is shamelessly naive. Her whole life changes the night she meets Devlin(Tank).

He's handsome, older and charismatic. He even gets more points when Angie learns he works and performs in a traveling gospel play. (The play itself is a Madea play ripoff, complete with a man in a wig)

After spending the night with Devlin, he held her all night like a "perfect gentleman", he invites her to join the cast because he discovers she can sing. The next morning she's confronted by dad. After an argument follows Angie informs him that shes leaving right that minute to join up. She walks out with the clothes on her back. No luggage or anything.

On the road Angie finds that she can definitely get used to her freedom. She's made friends, falls for Devlin and enjoys her small roles in the play. Convinced that Devlin has a bonafide HALO over his head Angie has no problem losing her virginity to him. She's content and happy but things change faster than  you can say "amen"!

Devlin has a dark side to him. One seconds he's supporting and holding Angie and another he's telling her that her hair looks like shit, in front of her colleagues, although theirs nothing wrong with her perfectly well maintained mane. It's pretty laughable how hot and cold he is. Due to her inexperience and stupidity she remains inauspicious towards Devlin until one night when things take a turn for the worse, for Angie's relationship and the fate of this movie. One night she finds him smoking weed and disapproves.

"That stuffs for losers." she simply states. Devlin shockingly slaps the BA-JEESUS out of Angie and the words he spouts transform this movie from just a plain bad one into and unintentional comedy.

"GIRL I WENT PLATINUM BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT A DEMO WAS!"

What the hell? How is that relevant? What does have to do with you smoking weed? Judging by his response I think the writer was smoking a lil' somethin himself when he came up with this crap. Flabbergasted Angie tries to exit then Devlin pulls the sympathy card, next thing you know its Angie comforting him. Devlin gives us another classic line saying he's never hit a woman before and he's just upset that his second CD didn't do so well. I'm not making this up. Him pretending to cry was as funny as it was pathetic. This guy is due a few acting classes and the writer/director needs to do some soul searching.

As the movie continues I realize I'm watching the straight to DVD, wanna be remake of  What's Love Got To Do With It, only this version isn't compelling, gripping or dramatic. It's just as pathetic as Angie is. She's beat constantly and blatantly cheated on . Everyone in their cast is well aware of their circumstances but no one is  willing to help her for fear that they will step on Devlin's toes. No good Samaritan in this group everyone chooses to "turn the other cheek".

This movie is starting to feel like  a rip off of  a Tyler Perry film. YIKES!

It's hard to feel empathy for this girl because she refuses to leave him.  Its  also really hard for me to believe that this is the first person to seduce her because she fell for him so shamelessly. She possesses ignorance that you don't just wake up with.

The subject matter is a serious one. Domestic violence is no joke. But this movie brings nothing new or compelling . Instead of exposing the topic its exploits it for gain and doesn't do a good job in hiding it. The issue at hand is gone by so inappropriately that one might get the feeling that its making fun of it even because it's so damn cliche. Here's an example from Angie

"It's not his fault."

"What can I say, you never forget your first."

Again, poor writing.

At one of her low points the preachers kid finally decides to call the preacher. Although on his own answer machine the tagline is "What Would Jesus Do?" he doesn't pick up when he hears his daughter crying on it. Blasphemy! Hypocrite anyone?

Their is one thing that I did enjoy about the movie, the play Angie performed in. Yes it plays like a wannabe Madea knockoff but the music number are shockingly decent. We see Angie do the one thing she can do and she does it well. Too bad these moments are brief. Too bad the play is better than the movie its featured in.

Eventually Devlin gets his just desserts. He finally gets himself fired from the play and his career is in the toilet.  Angie also finds out that shes pregnant. I found this to be a shocking twist  and was pleased their was actually some real drama but everything isn't as it seem. After a final betrayal Angie tells Devlin and breaks up with him. She has something to smile about though because she finally landed the lead in the play.

While performing the heartfelt and coincidental song "daddy can I come home" she realizes she misses her daddy and wants to go home. After given a well deserved standing ovation she walks off stage and onto to the street to hail a cab and go home. She loves dramatic spur of the moment exits.

The audience is treated to seeing Devlin one more time. He approaches her just as she hails her taxi and tells her he's sorry for hurting her. Then he delivers another delicious line. In the most pathetic voice ever he whimpers "Angie can we record a demo together? My cousin gets his hair done by Babyfaces Aunt."

She tells him goodbye and goes home. Her buss drops her off right across the street from her fathers church on the exact date and time that her father is being honored, outside of the church, and is standing along with the rest of the church. The Preacher runs to his kid hugs, and kisses her and I'm supposed to forget that he ignored her phone calls. OK!!!

Angie gets her happy ending. She's not pregnant because she read the test wrong. She sure is stupid.  She cut her hair signifying that she is new woman and her choirs gospel CD is number one on the charts. Talk about a righteous ending!

I'm running out of cliche's so I will end this review with a prayer. Please bow your heads;

Dear Movie God, please stop the madness and wickedness of all responsible for this abomination. I ask that you have mercy on all that may have enjoyed this movie for they don't know any better and last but not least please make sure that one time writer/director REMAINS a one time writer/director.  In the name of good movies we pray.

Amen...

MOVIE RANKING