BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 2 1990

responsible parties

director

Claudio Fragrasso(Zombie Flesh Eaters 3)

writer

Claudio Fragrasso(Cop Game)

actors

Michael Stephenson (Best Worst Movie Ever)

This weeks movie needs no introduction. This is yet another scene from the famous Troll 2. Besides these clips being hilarious they might also be helpful in a drinking game. Take a shot everytime the young boy says this line;

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Bring It On All Or Nothing 2006

responsible parties

director

Steve  Rash (American Pie Presents Band Camp)

writer

Alyson Fouse -nada

actors

Hayden Panettiere (Scream 4)

Solange Knowles (Johnson Family Vacation)

 Some Most sequels should never have been made. The very first Bring It On(2000)  is a personal favorite of mine. Its extremely funny sexy and sassy.  The actual cheerleading routines were amazing to watch and the stunts were spot on. Cheer leading is a sport goddamnit! Kirsten Dunst and Gabriel Union shine up like freshly pressed uniforms in the smartly made movie. It's the first and only Bring it On to make it to theaters sadly for very obvious reasons. This weeks movie clip is from one of the four disconnected sequels spawned from the 2000 classic. Hayden and Solange are competent actors but the script and storyline are worse than ever. The most disturbing thing in the movie is the dancing and cheer leading itself. This scene personifies the stereotype that "white people have no rhythm".  Watching Hayden Penitierre try to KRUMP DANCE makes me very uncomfortable. PS "getting mad" isn't the only thing that enables someone to be able to krump dance. You need actual skill. *(youtube video titled wrong sorry folks)* 

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

The WickerMan 2006

responsible parties

director

Neil Labute (Lakeview Terrace)

writer

Neil Labute (Possession) 

actors

Nicholas Cage (Face Off)

 Wickerman is arugably one of the worst movies we've seen in a decade and deffinitely the worst remake I have seen to date. Nicholas Cage is a hit or miss actor that will forever live in shame for this movie. THE Nicholas Cage is a GOD AMONG MEN when it comes to  overacting and makes this movie one hilarious yet confusing ride. Here are the best moments



Abduction 2011

responsible parties

director

John Singleton (Boyz N Da Hood) 

writer

Shawn Christensen (no credits)

actors

Sigourney Weaver (Alien)
Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga)

Maria Bello (Coyote Ugly)

Abduction is definitely a poser if I ever seen one. Abduction struts around with a chip on its' shoulder as if it's as thrilling and swift as Bourne Identity. It's over the top and in your face pretending to be as fun as Mission Impossible. Sadly Abductions' young hero fails embarrassingly at trying to be as charming as Shia Lebeouf in his movies like Disturbia and Eagle Eye. In fact Abduction plays out like a movie that was written with Shia Lebeouf in mind for the lead role. But why would he want this when the script plays out like a montage of all the previously mentioned movies rolled into one and sprayed into submission with axe body spray. That's why he's not the star. Instead we get that Twilight hunk. * cue Teenage girls swoon* 

Nathan (Lautner)  introduces himself to us by riding on the hood of his friends pickup with one hand going 70 mph with his cool shades on. No helmet or hesitation. He doesn't fear death. He's an adrenaline junkie. He. Is. Bad. Ass. To give some background on Nathan he lives in a wonderful neighborhood, in a beautiful home, in sunny California. He has a token black friend that makes alot of jokes and a white friend that doesn't speak much but well.... is there for the sake of him having a friend  that is white like him. His parents are hip, young and attractive. Him and his father like to beat the shit out of each other for fun. His father utters BS like "you wanna play with no rules you better be aware of what you let out the box." That's not even catchy. Despite Nathans comfy lifestyle he sees a therapist for an undisclosed reason. He tells his therapist (old ass Sigourney Weaver) that sometimes he feels like he doesn't fit in.  Like he doesn't belong.  Nathans about to get one helluva awakening!

He's linked up with Karen for a random sociology project. To my knowledge Sociology is really a college course but I digress. Karen and Nathan have a history, they were childhood friends. Adolescence and different cliques drove a wedge between them but now their reunited. *cue teen romance*

While researching, he finds his baby picture on a missing child's website. This is never explained. But it is a plot device to prompt Nathan into asking his gorgeous mother if he was adopted and she  says he was. His "parents" aren't really his parents. Their his "keepers", chosen by his real father to watch over him. Abandonment anyone?

The same night his keepers are killed by some secret agents right in front of him. Therapy may be ideal now. Him and Karen are on the run from these men dressed in black when his therapist shows up. She's one of his keepers too. In a high speed, car chase get away she gives them the address of a "safe place" they jump out of the moving vehicle.

I was impressed to see Abduction had everything on a Secret-Agent-movies checklist

• explosions
• agents dressed in black
• agents dressed in black running from room to room
• "foreign" villains
• CIA references
• words like ''operative''
• roundhouse kicks 

Weirdly enough no one in this movie has a droid or iPhone. Every single person with a cellular device had a flip phone. It's not a big deal but it's odd. The CIA were making it so anytime Nathan picked up a phone from ANYWHERE and he was connected to the CIA but they were using a phone that doesn't have Internet? This made the tiny detail of the movie uneven with the technology aspect of the film.

While on the run Nathan and Karen grow close. In a generously sized train suite they make out, full  on she even gets on his lap. It gets "steamy" until Karen suddenly stops and suggests they get lunch. After all this is a pg-13 movie. *Sorry tween girls*

I'm also sorry to report that Taylor still does not have much of an acting skill to speak of. His lines are uttered with out any conviction but always with a serious expression as if that makes him the tough rough neck he's supposed to be. I found myself laughing at a few of his facial expressions  as well. Sorry Taylor, but your acting ability has as much potential as road kill.

 I enjoyed the stupidity and arrogance of Abduction for the most part.  Sadly the last 30 minutes were almost unbearable. I finished it only for the sake of this blog. The movies resolution is stupid and anti climatic although it's at a packed baseball stadium. His elusive father returns the save his son and disappears just as quickly. Karen and Nathan are happy to be alive. His keeper/therapist volunteers be his new guardian. It's a sweet , cheesy ending. I would love to suggest to Taylor Lautner to further his eductation and pursue a different career. Perhaps modeling since he loves showing his tan skin and ripped abs. The Twilight Saga has only one more film left and I shudder to think what his career will turn into to once the Phenomanon is over. Hang it up Taylor, please hang it up *cue dial tone*

MOVIE RANKING



BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 2 1990

responsible parties

director

Claudio Fragrasso(Zombie Flesh Eaters 3)

writer

Claudio Fragrasso(Cop Game)

actors

Michael Stephenson (Best Worst Movie Ever)

I have a real treat for you guys this week! Troll 2 is quite possibly one of the worst movies in history. Its so bad I wish i could put the enitre movie on here for you all to view. This one is really a must see to believe. This movie is bad movie lovers dream. The script is stupid as hell. The actors, incompetent and I promise you, you will find this one of the most hilarious movies you've ever seen. Ironically their are tons of clips thats I had to choose from. After careful consideration I decided to go with the most classic scene of the film, which features one of the best WORST scenes in shitty movie history. This scene is what bad movies are made of.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark 2010

responsible parties

director

Troy Nixey (Latchkeys Lament)

writer

Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy)

actors

Katie Holmes (Mad Money)

Guy Pearce (The Road)

Bailee Madison (Just Go With It)

When I was a little girl I used to be afraid of the dark. Maybe not so much the dark but whatever could be lurking in it. I wasn’t afraid of a plain ol’ murderer or the average robber. Unfortunately I had a vivid imagination and had seen way too many scary movies. Their were almost endless possibilities of what could be dwelling where I couldn’t see. There could be ghosts of hacked up persons that used live to in my room or maybe a hockey mask wearing, machete wielding man. What about that clown with the sharp teeth that lives in the drain? Then their was the big one, monsters. Monsters, that in my mind, looked worse and more terrifying than reality would ever produce. Luckily the fear has subsided. Not because I’m a big kid now but because I have seen Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. I don’t think the makers of the film had any idea how ironic the name of this movie is. It’s basically making a mockery of the film. Maybe it’s a disclaimer. So at the end they can be like “hey we told you not to be afraid.”

Now not only am I not afraid of the dark I’m actually slightly amused with it. OUCH.

Come on we have seen this one so many times before but it never gets old, for screenwriters that is. Kid sees ghost and/or monster and parents don’t believe him or her, usually this all goes on in a new house. Don’t be Afraid of the Dark wastes no time marching right into the familiar routine. Young depressed Sally is sent to live with her father for reasons undisclosed. During her plane ride she draws pictures of black holes that have no relevance to the movie. Her hair is obviously dyed black to make the audience aware that she’s creepy or something. Sally is definitely not thrilled at all about this move to live with workaholic dad Alex and “younger” girlfriend Kim played by Katie Holmes. “younger” was in quotation marks because she doesn’t look younger than him at all but the movie insists Alex is practically dating a teenager. Young Sally is not a teen yet, in fact she’s more of a tween but she’s already got that teenage I hate the world thing down pat. The situation would be awkward for any youngin’; living with an estranged papa and his almost adolescent girlfriend. To top things off they all just moved into a very old , very big mansion that they are renovating. Alex is a architect with his heart set on being on the cover of Architectural Digest and Kim is an interior designer. Together they plan on sprucing the old place up a bit. As suspected the house has a bit of History to it. Emerson Blackwood , a famous painter that disappeared along with his young son lived there some decades or maybe centuries ago, (timeline never given). We do know what happened to him. He was pulled down a small furnace in the first act, while offering teeth to the voices down the shaft. Yes, his teeth.

Thank god for curious little Sally for discovering a secret door one day while she explores the huge gardening area. Although the gardener who is familiar with the houses history tries to tell Sally's parents to leave it alone saying how dangerous the area is for children , they find out the door leads to the basement in their house that no one had known existed. OMG they were like SUPER excited.

The basement has no lights. Its big and empty except for the small furnace in the corner that seems to draw Sallys attention.

When she hears voices she elated, someone to talk to. They beckon her with lines like.

“Sally it’s so nice down here come and play”

“Set us free so we can be friends.”

Sally unlocks the furnace setting free an evil that’s been trapped for……..years? A decade? Who knows …..but its definitely been a while.

The monsters waste no time showing their true colors to the poor stupid girl. While Kim and Alex roam the city for paint supplies and window coverings Sally is left in the care of the house maid, Mrs. Underhill. She's a dear old maid that makes KILLER apple pie. YUM!

The movie unravels at a rapid speed when we meet the monsters. There are about a dozen or so of them. They live and scurry about in the dark and  the shadows probably because if you really seen what they looked like their wouldn’t be much to be afraid of. They like playing hide and seek, running under her covers, using her teddy bear to scare her and they even play tricks on the girl. Is this a scary movie or a rip off Dennis the Menace? Sally is even framed by the monsters when they shred up one of Kim's shirts. This is so stupid. But not anymore stupid than the monsters themselves. They're tiny little critters the size of Barbie dolls that look like teeny tiny hunch  old back men. They aren’t harmful on their own so they have to grab knives and weapons to threaten people with and for some reason they eat teeth. Really? Teeth? How can they even remove the teeth from her mouth?

Lets go straight to the climax of the film. The monsters are revealed to the parents, yet they stay in the house for a few more hours to let Sally rest. When they finally decide to leave the Teeth hit the fan. Of course Kim and Alex succumb to the beasts. They both get knocked unconscious in different rooms but both come to in time to save Sally. Sadly the stunning Katie Holmes is dragged down the furnace.

The concept for this movie shoulda been thrown down the damn furnace. The movie ended with me feeling happy that I now had nothing to be afraid of at night, but sad that movies like these keep getting made for the sake of being made. The makers of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark hoped they were breaking new ground by introducing tiny monsters that want to eat your teeth but they personified why the horror genre fails to deliver a decent scare, the elements of surprise and fear and originality. Sadly the only good thing about this movie was sweet Mrs. Underhill and her delicious pie.

MOVIE RANKING

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

The Ginger Dead Man 2005

responsible parties

director

Charles Band (Puppet Master)

writer

William Buther (Madhouse)

actors

Gary Busey (Under Siege)

We've seen it before, the soul of a serial killer enters an inanimate object and terrorizes people . This worked out fine in movies like Childs Play, back when Chucky was actually scary. This movie took the concept and its creativity a bit too far.......  I mean a killer COOKIE?!?! AND the Cookie is voiced by Gary Busey? Enough said.