BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Troll 2 1990

responsible parties

director

Claudio Fragrasso(Zombie Flesh Eaters 3)

writer

Claudio Fragrasso(Cop Game)

actors

Michael Stephenson (Best Worst Movie Ever)

I have a real treat for you guys this week! Troll 2 is quite possibly one of the worst movies in history. Its so bad I wish i could put the enitre movie on here for you all to view. This one is really a must see to believe. This movie is bad movie lovers dream. The script is stupid as hell. The actors, incompetent and I promise you, you will find this one of the most hilarious movies you've ever seen. Ironically their are tons of clips thats I had to choose from. After careful consideration I decided to go with the most classic scene of the film, which features one of the best WORST scenes in shitty movie history. This scene is what bad movies are made of.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark 2010

responsible parties

director

Troy Nixey (Latchkeys Lament)

writer

Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy)

actors

Katie Holmes (Mad Money)

Guy Pearce (The Road)

Bailee Madison (Just Go With It)

When I was a little girl I used to be afraid of the dark. Maybe not so much the dark but whatever could be lurking in it. I wasn’t afraid of a plain ol’ murderer or the average robber. Unfortunately I had a vivid imagination and had seen way too many scary movies. Their were almost endless possibilities of what could be dwelling where I couldn’t see. There could be ghosts of hacked up persons that used live to in my room or maybe a hockey mask wearing, machete wielding man. What about that clown with the sharp teeth that lives in the drain? Then their was the big one, monsters. Monsters, that in my mind, looked worse and more terrifying than reality would ever produce. Luckily the fear has subsided. Not because I’m a big kid now but because I have seen Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. I don’t think the makers of the film had any idea how ironic the name of this movie is. It’s basically making a mockery of the film. Maybe it’s a disclaimer. So at the end they can be like “hey we told you not to be afraid.”

Now not only am I not afraid of the dark I’m actually slightly amused with it. OUCH.

Come on we have seen this one so many times before but it never gets old, for screenwriters that is. Kid sees ghost and/or monster and parents don’t believe him or her, usually this all goes on in a new house. Don’t be Afraid of the Dark wastes no time marching right into the familiar routine. Young depressed Sally is sent to live with her father for reasons undisclosed. During her plane ride she draws pictures of black holes that have no relevance to the movie. Her hair is obviously dyed black to make the audience aware that she’s creepy or something. Sally is definitely not thrilled at all about this move to live with workaholic dad Alex and “younger” girlfriend Kim played by Katie Holmes. “younger” was in quotation marks because she doesn’t look younger than him at all but the movie insists Alex is practically dating a teenager. Young Sally is not a teen yet, in fact she’s more of a tween but she’s already got that teenage I hate the world thing down pat. The situation would be awkward for any youngin’; living with an estranged papa and his almost adolescent girlfriend. To top things off they all just moved into a very old , very big mansion that they are renovating. Alex is a architect with his heart set on being on the cover of Architectural Digest and Kim is an interior designer. Together they plan on sprucing the old place up a bit. As suspected the house has a bit of History to it. Emerson Blackwood , a famous painter that disappeared along with his young son lived there some decades or maybe centuries ago, (timeline never given). We do know what happened to him. He was pulled down a small furnace in the first act, while offering teeth to the voices down the shaft. Yes, his teeth.

Thank god for curious little Sally for discovering a secret door one day while she explores the huge gardening area. Although the gardener who is familiar with the houses history tries to tell Sally's parents to leave it alone saying how dangerous the area is for children , they find out the door leads to the basement in their house that no one had known existed. OMG they were like SUPER excited.

The basement has no lights. Its big and empty except for the small furnace in the corner that seems to draw Sallys attention.

When she hears voices she elated, someone to talk to. They beckon her with lines like.

“Sally it’s so nice down here come and play”

“Set us free so we can be friends.”

Sally unlocks the furnace setting free an evil that’s been trapped for……..years? A decade? Who knows …..but its definitely been a while.

The monsters waste no time showing their true colors to the poor stupid girl. While Kim and Alex roam the city for paint supplies and window coverings Sally is left in the care of the house maid, Mrs. Underhill. She's a dear old maid that makes KILLER apple pie. YUM!

The movie unravels at a rapid speed when we meet the monsters. There are about a dozen or so of them. They live and scurry about in the dark and  the shadows probably because if you really seen what they looked like their wouldn’t be much to be afraid of. They like playing hide and seek, running under her covers, using her teddy bear to scare her and they even play tricks on the girl. Is this a scary movie or a rip off Dennis the Menace? Sally is even framed by the monsters when they shred up one of Kim's shirts. This is so stupid. But not anymore stupid than the monsters themselves. They're tiny little critters the size of Barbie dolls that look like teeny tiny hunch  old back men. They aren’t harmful on their own so they have to grab knives and weapons to threaten people with and for some reason they eat teeth. Really? Teeth? How can they even remove the teeth from her mouth?

Lets go straight to the climax of the film. The monsters are revealed to the parents, yet they stay in the house for a few more hours to let Sally rest. When they finally decide to leave the Teeth hit the fan. Of course Kim and Alex succumb to the beasts. They both get knocked unconscious in different rooms but both come to in time to save Sally. Sadly the stunning Katie Holmes is dragged down the furnace.

The concept for this movie shoulda been thrown down the damn furnace. The movie ended with me feeling happy that I now had nothing to be afraid of at night, but sad that movies like these keep getting made for the sake of being made. The makers of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark hoped they were breaking new ground by introducing tiny monsters that want to eat your teeth but they personified why the horror genre fails to deliver a decent scare, the elements of surprise and fear and originality. Sadly the only good thing about this movie was sweet Mrs. Underhill and her delicious pie.

MOVIE RANKING

BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

The Ginger Dead Man 2005

responsible parties

director

Charles Band (Puppet Master)

writer

William Buther (Madhouse)

actors

Gary Busey (Under Siege)

We've seen it before, the soul of a serial killer enters an inanimate object and terrorizes people . This worked out fine in movies like Childs Play, back when Chucky was actually scary. This movie took the concept and its creativity a bit too far.......  I mean a killer COOKIE?!?! AND the Cookie is voiced by Gary Busey? Enough said.



BAD MOVIE THROWBACK *clip of the week*

Snakes on a Plane 2006

responsible parties

director

David R. Ellis (Final Destination)

writer

John Heffernan (nada)

actors

Samuel Jackson (Pulp Fiction)

Snakes on a plane. The title tells you everything you need to know. Their is a plane and their are snakes on it. The end. The classic line from the movie with Samuel Jackson will live on in cinematic history FOREVER. Watching it on television is dare I say even more epic. Please enjoy the TV edited version of THE infamous line :p



The Unborn 2009

responsible parties

director

David S. Goyer (The Invisible)

writer

David S. Goyer (Jumper)

actors

Odette Yustman(Cloverfield)

Gary Oldman (Air Force One)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

"Jumby wants to be born now" um ok....... Imagine the kid pictured above telling this to Casey, who resembles Megan Fox although not nearly as sexy, and then imagine the weirdo kid hitting her. It's pretty funny, and dumb. It is also the beginning of a very bizarre and cliche wanna be thriller that's all over the place and yet still formulatic. Unfortunately the movie had way too many ideas that should have been "unborn".

 At least we get some eye candy along with Casey is her best friend Romy, played by Megan Good.
Apparently Meagan Good has been trying to expand her career because usually she plays the pretty gf in all her flicks so she chose to go the horror route. She's having bad luck, being cast in other shitty movies like this  one such as One Missed Call and Saw 4. Yikes!
Soon after Casey is attacked by that ugly kid Romy notices that her right eye looks weird all of a sudden.  To the audience its clear that all she has to do is take out the obvious contact but Casey goes to the optometrist and discovers she has a rare eye condition that is usually common in twins. After asking her father he reveals that she was a twin but her other half died early in uterine.... He also reveals that her mother and him nicknamed him "Jumby". What an atrocious name. Gross. Casey's father is never heard  from again for the rest of the movie. Shocker. Her mother committed suicide many years ago but it is never revealed why. Lame.
As the mystery that no one cares about unfolds Casey struts around in her white cotton panties and lays in bed with  her boyfriend. More weird shit happens. Casey starts seeing things. She suddenly decides to go see her grandmother, who is currently living in a rest home. Grandmother tells her a ghost has been haunting their family for decades that even dates back to the Holocaust. The ghost supposedly can only enter the world through a twins body, although several non twins are possessed by said ghost throughout the movie...... Caseys' grandma was a twin herself but she killed her other half when he became possesed........ Apparently the ghost has been hovering and waiting ever since. For some reason Casey  enlists a Rabbi to perform some sort of Jewish exorcism.  I'm not sure why she needs an eroxrcism, the ghost isn't in her.....ok?.....Our Rabbi is played by Gary Oldman whose movie career has many hits and misses, here's another. To sum it all up Everyone around Casey dies. Her sexy friend, her boyfriend, the rabbi and the people he enlists to help. I always find that funny in a movie that the people that came to help the main character always die.
The ending leaves me puzzeled, but instead of wondering "OMG whats gonna happen next"? I wonder "OMG what just happened (in the past 90mins)?"
"Casey finds herself pregnant at the finale. She's having twins. Guess the ghost is now after her unborns...... Good riddance. If you're thinking about watching this flick, do what I should have done, abort that idea quickly.

MOVIE RANKING

Jennifers Body 2009

responsible parties

director

Karyn Kusama (Girl Fight)

writer

Diablo Cody (Juno)

actors

Megan Fox- (Transformers 1&2)

Amanda Seyfriend- (Big Love, Red Riding Hood)

 I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox who's sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays a sexy, feisty cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?! Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifer's Body left me completely unsatisfied, underwhelmed and totally annoyed!

Essentially Megan Fox plays herself. An undoubtedly sexy, selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didn't see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can guarantee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifer's character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike each other if they tried. Needy is a sarcastic nerd complete with these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first came out.  This chick is a band geek, literally. The chances of these two being friends in real life is very slim, they swim in two different social ponds. Needy is dressed in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needy character wasn't much more likable than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blond. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

I don't really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but  theirs only so much a regular person can take. What I barely tolerated in Juno became unbearable in Jen's Body.

The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whose front man is played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nail polish and guy liner his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needy's classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douche band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail. They chose Jennifer.

Of course Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eagerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar expectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting their soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the literal sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone that's eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitive and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed  not only Needy's admiration for Jennifer but her attraction, not that I blame her. I can't, in good conscience review the movie without mentioning their makeout scene. It was steaming hot girl on girl lips and tonuge action. Very sexy, but kinda out of nowhere. I'd compare it having a stranger hand you a thousand doallars in cash. Thrilling, exciting but after a while has you wondering "why?''. The scene like Megan Fox is a feast for the eyes. Sexy as hell, but not much else. I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-HELL YEA!

But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun!

Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everything it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun. It was not action. It just was..... And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter awkwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialogue ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialogue was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

MOVIE RANKING